Feb 16, 2014 - Uncategorized    2 Comments

Becoming Vulnerable

Vulnerability has been synonymous to weakness in my mind for the past 14 years.  This happened when my ignorance was realized in a puddle of tears and what seemed to be infinite sadness.  What started at 20 years old has brought me down a path of what can only be described as the Olympics of bipolar behavior.  I use the term bipolar not in the traditional ways we think of it – high highs and low lows.  I use it to describe my ability to care deeply and my opposite ability of not giving a single fuck.  In my stages of not caring I tried to find a word to describe myself.  The term sociopath was something I did an inordinate amount of research on.  In my research I discovered that I did not fit neatly into this category because I do genuinely care deeply about people.  I was this enigma in my mind.  I have an extensive education on many topics in the field of psychology, surely I could figure out what appropriate label could be used to describe myself.  But the more I thought, the harder I searched, the more people I asked…the more confused I got.  I was so good at being guarded that I guarded myself against MYSELF.  I was both the cult leader and a follower of my own imprisonment.

I have lived the last 14 years of my life in fear.  I had recent conversations with a friend of mine who also happens to be an amazing psychologist and within one of these meetings we had an extremely challenging conversation about the concept of ego.  He mentioned to me that there have been a few times (very few) that he was able to see my genuine self and that what he was able to witness in those brief moments, was beautiful.  I immediately asked him what exactly that looked like.  What happened…. what shifted when I became this genuine representation?  And almost simultaneously with asking him that question, I knew the answer.  I can only describe it with the visual of what someone looks like when they exhale after doing something challenging.  I exhale.  I am suddenly no longer a melody of defense mechanisms.

In the past 14 years I have hit 2 extremes when dealing with people.  The first was unbelievable paranoia.  During this phase (ages 20-28ish) I was incredibly controlling.  People that have only known me within the past 6 or so years would have a hard time believing this because I am so drastically different than the person I was at that time.  I was the queen of the checking internet history, checking wallets, checking cell phones and reading into every single glance my significant other accidentally unleashed in front of me.   What made me even more difficult to deal with was my ability to make incredibly sound arguments for my behavior.  I was able to make my significant other actually feel bad for my personal demons as if he had contributed to them in some way.  Being smart and wildly insecure is a treacherous combination for anyone to deal with.  I wouldn’t allow Maxim in my house nor would I allow Victoria Secret magazines to be left around my house.  If a girl seemed threatening to my well controlled environment she would immediately be banished.  I had the most elaborate set of expectations for those in my life to follow. As a result (and I know this is shocking information) I lost a lot of people that I cared deeply for.

To me, control was power.  Control was the way to make damn sure that I wouldn’t get hurt. I think what happened was I just got so tired of controlling everything in my life that I transformed into the complete opposite.  If controlling was intensely exhausting – perhaps not giving a shit would be easy.  AND IT WAS.  Within 1 day I went from being the dictator of chastity to the ambassador of strip clubs.  I remember where I was and what I was doing when this transformation occurred.  I swung the pendulum from one extreme STRAIGHT to the other.  I stopped caring.  I checked the fuck out.

I have been checked the fuck out (as I so eloquently put it) for the past 6 years.  During this 6 year period I developed a pretty impressive panic disorder which should have been some sort of profound sign to me but alas….every sign of my incongruence was met with a stubborn, stern and internal “fuck off”.

That is….until the past 6 months.

My panic disorder being well controlled by medication, my mind turned to alcohol.  I was so clearly attempting to run from something but being of the “I don’t give a fuck” mentality, I refused to look at what it was.  The past 6 months have been extremely telling in terms of the internal struggle that I am fighting.  In the past 6 months the fun, silly drunk girl became a crying basketcase… displaying a terrifying admittance of being extremely unhappy by using terms like “suicide”….. repeatedly. Now, being of sound mind and judgment I can promise you, this is not something that I would ever actually do.  I believe (reflecting deeply on why I would say such things) that using such an awful word was my way of best describing how empty I felt.  Only in the depths of an alcohol induced comfort could I really show the level of sadness I was really feeling on a daily basis.  This was the only time that my pride allowed these demons to surface.  This was my cry for help.

BUT…being perceived as the strong female does come with its disadvantages.  The dominant one in this particular story is that people didn’t know I needed help because I was busy showing the world my fucking tough chick mental muscles.

Last Friday it all came crashing down around me.  Last Friday I lost my shit.  Last Friday I had a grand mental fucking breakdown. Last Friday was my lowest public moment.  Last Friday was the last day I deny the work that needs to be done in order to be my genuine self.  Last Friday was the last day I will consciously allow myself to not give a fuck.

It’s amazing what you can learn in a week when you drop the internal bullshit.

The part of me that cares for you at your darkest moments….. that is me.  The part of me that tells you randomly on a Tuesday that you are a beautiful person and you should never doubt that…. that part is me.  Don’t worry my fellow readers, the part of me that can tell a perfectly timed dick joke…that part is me as well.  BUT…..I am not strong all the time.  I will now allow myself to be loved and to be appreciated because I fucking deserve it.  And the people that show me these things…deserve it in return.  They deserve the genuine me.  They have earned and deserve my vulnerability.

So… this is me challenging my ego.  It may not be what you have grown to expect from me but this is what I need to be right now.  I am letting you in.  I am becoming vulnerable and more importantly…… I am becoming okay with that.

Michelle (it stings the nostrils) Lynn

Jan 11, 2014 - Uncategorized    2 Comments

Becoming OK.

So in the beginning of December, I decided that I would quit drinking for the better part of 2 months. My motivation to do so was to lose 15 pounds.   I started off doing GREAT.  I started off strong.  I lost about a pound a week.  Last time I checked I was down 6 pounds.  This was before the Holidays…………Since this time..I have had 5 cheat days and a fucking canister of cookies (thanks grandma).  I am pretty sure my progress has all been reversed by my lack of self control.  I am no good at being told what to do, even when I am the one telling myself what to do.

Most of my life I sat at 120 pounds.  At 5’4″, this was a perfect weight for me.  I never worked out, I didn’t ever really have to try really hard to maintain that weight.  I did creep down to 112 at one point in my late 20′s and that was skeletor skinny. Not a good look on me…I looked hungry, all the time.   I currently hover around 150 pounds.  Most people look at me and politely lie to my face and say “I DON’T SEE HOW YOU WEIGH THAT MUCH!”  I appreciate that….But.here, let me show you my ass.  I’ve never been SUPER skinny.  I’ve always had a more athletic build.  I have never had thighs that didn’t touch.  This is who I have always been.  I always had a flat stomach and small arms.  These previous luxuries that I took for granted, are now gone.   I have bigger arms and a stomach that is nowhere near flat.  My ass has gotten a bit larger and my thighs…well, lets just say, I could probably kick through a wall.  For the past 2 years I have beat myself up for this….all while doing NOT A GODDAMN thing about it.  Being spoiled and always being naturally thin, I decided throwing a personal shit fit was the way I would lose weight.  If I complain long and hard enough, things will go my way!  WHAT DID HAPPEN was I got more and more depressed, drank more as a result and ended up gaining more and more.

The pressure to be “perfect” has never been something I have successfully avoided.  I am not a victim (because I hate the word victim) of media but it definitely has had a profound effect on how I have viewed myself since as early as 13 years old.  I can honestly say that I have never been ecstatic about my appearance.  NOW..please let me say something.  I KNOW that for the majority of my life I was THIN.  I was by NO MEANS overweight. I am also aware that I am at minimum average in terms of looks.  I really had it pretty fucking good for most of my life and my current down slide is a direct result of my own personal choices.  I have no one to blame for my current state but myself.

I peaked late in life.  In high school, I was awkward.  I didn’t wear makeup, I didn’t do my hair and I wore big ass baggy pants and various band t-shirts.  Every single Christmas, my favorite gift was my new pair of Adidas Superstars.  I listened to the Beastie Boys, Nine Inch Nails, KORN, Pink Floyd, Rage Against the Machine, the Deftones and Tool.  I liked watching hockey more than going out on a Friday or Saturday night.  I stayed at home every single weekend and watched whatever college game was on.  I was an incredible friend to the people close to me.  I also was the only friend with my own phone line and voicemail so I was the girl that got the phone calls at 2am when everyone else was drunk.  I had many late night conversations with people in the throes of their most angsty times.  I thought about philosophical things, I would come home every single day from school and go straight to my room and listen to music until I went to bed.  I would write every single night until I went to bed or my phone rang.  I would write a dozen pages a night if left uninterrupted.  I graduated with honors.  I took 6 years of math in 4 years of high school.  All I thought about while in high school was GETTING OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL.  At graduation when my classmates gathered in the middle of the football field to throw their caps..I was already half way across the field walking away as fast as possible.

I went to UMD and ended up in a room with two princesses.  They would get up at 6am to do their hair and spray every single possible thing they owned with DREAM by the GAP. They curled their hair.  They listened to country music and painted their fingernails (to this day, I’ve never had nail polish on my fingernails).  I rolled out of bed 20 minutes before class, found any sweatshirt, put my hair up, threw in my headphones and made my way to class.  Until I got my first REAL boyfriend, my insecurities were an afterthought.  I was too concerned with whatever philosophical conundrum I had recently read about to really put much thought into what others thought of me.  Don’t get me wrong, I so clearly remember wanting to be like my friend Kate, desperately.  I wanted to have the right clothes.  I wanted to understand how to put on makeup.  I wanted to know how the hell to do my hair.  I just didn’t have a fucking clue.  At the end of the day, those were not the things that made me cry.  The things that made me cry pre-boyfriend were things like people not valuing me, not knowing what my future held, not having enough money and being terrified of driving.

Then the boyfriend happened.  And the loss of virginity.  Yes, I was almost 20 years old when this happened (and on 3 months of birth control because even at 19 I was fucking smart enough to know I didn’t want a damn baby and I knew this relationship would result in me finally having sex).  He was 4.5 years older than me.  He was attractive.  He was a fucking alcoholic and at 24 years old, he could go out to the damn bars.  This started as a long distance relationship.  Me in Duluth, him in Mankato.  The day I got the phone call from his ex-girlfriend letting me know (because you know, she was doing “the right thing”) that my boyfriend was in fact cheating on me, was the day my entire life changed.  I don’t know.  I guess before this, I assumed that people were good.  People meant what they said.  They were honest.  They didn’t take someones virginity and disregard it so quickly.  I really believed in love.  My parents were my role models (and they are amazing).  I was unaware that such deceit actually happened.  I was incredibly fucking naive.

It was from that moment on that I went from HAVING a boyfriend to trying to KEEP a boyfriend.  What does one need to do in order to keep a boyfriend?  You need to become exactly what you THINK they want.  I started wearing makeup.  I started wearing tight shirts.  I started wearing short skirts and heels.  I started dying my hair more and more blonde.  I started tanning.  I’ve also never cried in my life….. more than in those 4 and a half years.

I lost all resemblance of what I once was.  (I mean, I still listened to the same music and wrote all the time but my priorities shifted drastically)

Ending that relationship was one of the most difficult things I have ever done.  It was abusive.  In every single way you could possibly imagine.

The scars from that relationship were deep and hard to escape.  It wasn’t until I met a very kind, understanding man (who did become my husband, no longer, but remains one of my dearest friends) that I was able to shift my focus back to being OK with exactly who I AM.

What I didn’t expect was finding someone that genuinely COULDN’T CARE LESS about the 25 pounds I gained.  Who thinks I am incredible.  I didn’t expect to find this level of support in another person after my experiences.  So… let me tell you something ladies…. you don’t have to be ANYTHING but WHAT YOU ARE.  I am currently a painfully introverted, 150 pound, firecracker of a woman.  I am a pain in the goddamn ass.  I am logical to a fault and am impossible to argue with.  I am strong, intelligent and do what I damn well please.  I also don’t sacrifice any of these qualities.  I don’t change who I am to please another person. And you shouldn’t fucking have to.

I have hated myself for superficial reasons.  I am done doing that.  I am done looking for the body I once had and I am happy to embrace the one I DO HAVE.  Until I want to make the necessary lifestyle changes, this is what I have and I need to be okay with that.  I need to stop comparing myself to all of the gym rats that I know.  That is not who I am.  My solace isn’t at the gym, it is between the pages of a new book.  It is wrapped in a blanket on my couch watching a documentary or having a wildly intellectual conversation about the current state of our world.  My solace is listening to my favorite music……And sometimes, my solace is in a bottle of wine.  That is absolutely OK.  I am OK.

At the end of it all…..I will look back on WHO I am..and be really fucking proud.  Not because I looked a certain way but because I acted a certain way.  This realization was how I finally became OK.

This blog was inspired by the following article:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/anonymous/2014/01/i-love-my-eating-disorder/

This article really, really upset me.  It really made me think about what THE FUCK really matters.  And let me tell you, it isn’t being fucking perfect.

Michelle (yeah, that all just happened) Lynn

Jan 6, 2014 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

What my parents taught me.

This is going to be on the more serious side.  I don’t always make fart jokes…or talk about crude shit.  I actually started writing a letter to my parents – because I honestly believe that those that mean something to you – should know way before they require a eulogy.  These lessons weren’t really spoken – but taught by example.  I am one of the lucky ones.  I am one of the kids that had a home I was so happy to go back to every single day after school.  I am forever grateful for that.

What my parents taught me:

1. To never blindly follow.  They didn’t exactly, explicitly state that I should give the middle finger to authority figures – but they definitely encouraged me to question what I was told.

2. Respect.  They taught me that I may not have the whole story and I never should be the one standing on a pedestal judging.  I am not exempt from making mistakes and at some point, I may be the one that could easily be judged for a decision.  I was taught to treat those as I would want to be treated in my lowest moment.  In my deepest depths of despair……I would want compassion and love.

3.  Open mindedness.  My lifestyle may not be the best lifestyle for someone else.

4.  Humor. Nothing beats a bad mood better than a well timed/placed joke.

5.  To not care about materialistic bullshit.  Stuff does not matter.  Keeping up with the Joneses will only cause anxiety and depression.  You will always find a person that has more than you, that has nicer stuff than you have, that goes on more trips than you do.  Be thankful for what you have in your life.

6.  Appreciate music.  It is often the best therapy.

7. Never stop learning.  You have an entire lifetime to learn new information, why the hell would you ever stop.  Once you stop growing and learning, you stop living.

8. That I am truly capable of doing anything that I put my mind to.  Period.

9. Loyalty.  Family will always be there.  No matter how badly you f up.

Honestly, I could continue this list.  I could write 1000 things that my parents have taught me.  They have taught me what it means to be a good person.  If the purpose of life is to leave a positive legacy, they have both succeeded where many have failed.  If their job was to make sure their children felt safe, loved and protected, they have fully exceeded any expectations one could ever set.  My parents are the type of parents you want to be if you have or ever decide to have children.

Though this may not be what you would expect from this blog, I think it is so important to give thanks to those that made the greatest difference in one’s life.  My parents created a solid foundation for me to grow.  They allowed me to be creative, to be angry (and holy shit was I an angry teenager), they allowed me to explore options and find my way.  They never once judged me and were always supportive of my choices.

My father: My father is easily the greatest man I will ever know.  He is kind, funny, extraordinarily understanding, curious.. he is a genius.  He is constantly learning new things.  He is eternally curious and is always striving to become a more whole person.  He is what a hero should be.  Everyone that meets my father, loves him.  My father never told me he was too busy to bring me ice skating as a kid (and trust me, I wanted to go every single night).  He never told me he was too busy to do anything.  He always said..money can buy you a lot…but it can’t buy you time.  I will always remember that.

My mother: My mother is one of the most generous individuals I have ever or will ever meet.  She would give you her last ANYTHING if she could.  She happily brought in one of my sisters friends (when my sister was in high school) – she brought her in because my sister’s friend had a rough home life…….. my mother fed her, clothed her, gave her shelter and bought her Christmas presents.  My mother will be the first to do anything she can for anyone needing anything.  She is truly the embodiment of kindness and sincere love.   My mother always knew when I needed space and when I needed a hug.  She understood the complex balance required to raise an angsty teenager (and let’s be honest, a pretty angsty adult)…. Everyone that meets my mother, loves her.  The pairing with my father makes so much sense.  They may be two of the most lovable people on this damn planet.

So, blah blah….cute shit…blah.  In all honesty, I could never repay my parents for what they have given me…but you better believe that I will spend my life trying.

Nov 29, 2013 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

Things I am thankful for

It being Thanksgiving – I give you a list of the things I am thankful for.

1.  Being alone in a car.  I don’t know about you – but when I am alone in the car, it is like a shitty version of American Idol.  I’m not sure if you knew this about me…but this bitch can RAP.  Don’t even get me started on the noises that come out of my mouth when I sing along to System of a Down.

2.  A powerful toilet.  Does anyone else test the flushing power of a toilet before they use it? I do…and there is nothing worse than a toilet that THINKS about flushing before it actually does.  You know what I am talking about – when the water just swirls for a bit and that immediate panic sets in and you start thinking of ways to get out of the place you are a guest in as quickly as possible.  Then it starts to go down and the look on your face is one close to what it looks like when you get your period after having a couple questionable evenings.  You want to see what relief looks like – look at a person that thinks they just clogged their new girlfriends parents toilet – and it finally goes down.

3.  Boxed wine.  Because this world is full of problems that only 5 liters can fix.

4.  The little notification tab on Facebook.  Nothing gives me a special boost quite like seeing even a “1″ next to that damn globe.    Yes, I realize that may be one of the most depressing things I have ever said.  But don’t you fucking lie, every single time you see that notification – in your head you say “FRIENDS!!”  It’s like an online version of what Stuart Smalley does in the mirror.  It is a justification that you are in fact “good enough, smart enough and gosh darn it…at least ONE person likes you”.

5.  Self control:  Because without it – you don’t want to know what would come out of my mouth.

6.  My parents:  bless your damn hearts for putting up with me.  When I was born you were probably like “oh, a sweet little girl.  Sugar and spice and blah blah blah…”  Nope.

7.  The Carlton:  ……no explanation required.

8.  Funny movies:  Without them, I would be at least 73.2% less funny.

9.  To go along with that….friends that don’t watch movies.  THEY THINK I AM HILARIOUS.

10.  Incubus.  Before they made songs about missing people while sitting on a beach.  S.C.I.E.N.C.E., BITCH!

11.  Hair binders.  Without them, I would have to do my hair.  I don’t like when I have to do that.  That requires effort and time….time I have…the desire to put in the effort, I do not.

12.  A significant other that tolerates the fact that I am a complete dick.  Not to him…just in general.  I have a very specific way that I like life….. he gets it and doesn’t make me change.  NO we cannot have a goddamn christmas tree.

13.  Not shopping on Black Friday or Thanksgiving Thursday.  If I ran out of toilet paper between now and Saturday morning – I would go out and gather leaves before I went to a store to buy more.

14.  Genetics.  You did me a serious solid.  Thanks bro.

15.  Locking mechanisms.  This way I can NOT be dancing around my apartment with my cat when Billy gets home.  Swear to god..I was watching scrubs on the couch.

16.  Having a keen eye for detail.  I know what happened in this house when the headphones are next to the computer.  I’m no dummy.  And for the love of everything that is holy – no need to erase the history …that is for people in shitty relationships.

Christmas is next.  That should be entertaining.  Christmas is my least favorite holiday.  I am the antithesis of religious…. and despise shopping and kitschy decor.  Though I do enjoy the opportunity to visit with my large, incredible family (my grandmother informed me today that she has 11 great grandchildren currently.  HOLY SHIT, all of my cousins are making little people) – I don’t find it necessary to cuddle around a fake tree and listen to horrendous music about snow.  I hate snow.

AND WHY IS IT…that when it snows….people lose the ability to park properly.  If you go to a mall on a day that people can’t see the parking lines…. it looks like everyone had a simultaneous seizure while parking….. how does this happen?  I think what needs to happen is the least retarded person shows up to the mall first and parks…allowing others to follow their lead.  Just line up next to the person with an IQ above 70.

ANYHOOOO…. I hope that you all had a wonderful day of thanks.  May I recommend that maybe you stay thankful the rest of the year.  Despite my vocabulary consisting mainly of swear words and my disdain for most humans…I am extremely thankful for everything I have.  Those things are not things…I don’t give a shit if my couch starts on fire (I mean, I would like to get off of it first)…….I don’t care if I lose my possessions because if anything ever happened to me, I have a family that will give up anything to help.  I have friends that would literally give me the shirt off their back if it was necessary( I know this because Billy gave me his sweatshirt when we thought we were going to die in a 38 degree rainstorm in the mountains of Colorado).  The people around me allow me to be this snarky, inappropriate twat… So, blame them.

Hug your family.  Show gratitude towards your friends (they choose to like you).  Tell your significant other that you really appreciate the fact that they tolerate things most people would consider murdering you for…..(that is definitely directed at me…Billy…THANK YOU)

Goodnight weird internet friends.

Michelle (it makes me uncomfortable when I see people shoving stuffing into a turkey) Lynn

Aug 24, 2013 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

When I get sad…I stop and become awesome instead.

Ok, so this period without facebook has been quite nice!  I rediscovered that I really don’t give a shit about what people think of me.   I mean, let’s be real, I care – of course I care – I am human – but I don’t care what A LOT OF YOU THINK.  Does this make me a dick? Sure? But I also don’t care about that.  Most people think their opinion matters so much when really – who the hell are you? You are just as meaningless as the person you talk shit about.  You just happen to have a group of people around you that tell you otherwise.  We all do.  But in the end, no one cares about the money you made, the “friends” you had on Facebook, the clothes you wore etc….  NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.  The only thing people will remember and reflect on fondly is how you treated them.

Hey, I have done some shady shit in my day….still probably do.  I think we all do.  It is in our nature to be selfish because of  a deficiency we so desperately want to get rid of….or hide from.  Why else do we drink? Smoke? Do drugs?   Sleep with people we know nothing about? Escape.  Period.  Own it.  If you get me drunk enough, I will ;) Or I will the next day if I made a big enough ass of myself.

I consider myself to be an open book.  Which book you get – now that is up to who you are.  I am a fucking library of books.  I have a book for every single personality, walk of life, socioeconomic status – you name it – I can tell you a story you can relate to.  You want to know why I can do this? BECAUSE I FUCKING LISTEN!  I spent most of my earlier years with my mouth shut and my ears open.

Do I care about people? Yes. That is genuine.  I really, REALLY care.  To my detriment at times.   I will hold so tightly to the hope that someone isn’t really this big of a dick, they are just displaying misplaced anxiety or self doubt.  Though this is true in most cases, I have got to learn to let go when my efforts are futile.

(P.S. this wine tastes how nail polish remover smells, it’s going to be a rough Saturday morning) (I think it fermented in the bag a little too long) (don’t judge me, I am thrifty.  If you were dating me…you would LOVE IT)

Okay, so I got rid of Facebook to feel better about myself, to get a job etc.  Well….1. this is NOT helping me get a job and 2. I don’t really feel better about myself on a deep level.  Yeah sure, now I don’t have to see all these skinny bitches with low self esteems prancing around on a fucking boat (that is probably the thing I enjoyed most about not having Facebook)…..(thank freaking GOD winter is coming, I can wear sweatshirts again)…..I don’t have to see people go on all these vacations I can’t afford (I can’t even afford the drink they bought in the airport before the trip)….it was nice to not constantly feel the need to “keep up with the virtual Joneses”…… But listen here people – when I posted my blog on FB – I got over 300 people reading it in a few days…yeah…not exactly the same turnout when I didn’t utilize this fucking website to self promote.  So I succumb….for purely selfish reasons.

This is a clusterfuck of a blog – I am well aware.  The other day – I stayed up until 430 am drinking a ridiculous amount of wine and writing 14 pages of word vomit (with a little help from my friends, my iPod).  You know what I realized – I FELT SO MUCH BETTER AFTER THE HANGOVER WORE OFF!  Haaa… but in all seriousness…I enjoy writing for an audience.  It is the only place I feel comfortable being in the “spotlight”.  No one has to look at me…(I am actually pretty freaking shy, shocked…yeah, I know).  I am painfully introverted and large crowds freak me out.  I wrote the 14 pages in private because there is NO WAY I am going to tell a living soul the shit I put on those pages…that was for me to remain sane.  You need personal word vomit time to remain sane (at least in the eyes of the public).  We all have some crazy shit that goes through our minds..the trick to having friends is NEVER EVER SAYING IT OUT LOUD!  Would I like to hit you in the face with a baseball bat? Yes, yes I would.  Am I going to? No….will I write about it in private….damn yes.  Would I LOVE to tell you to SHUT THE FUCK UP? YES….almost daily, but am I going to? No…no I am not.  Billy has strict instructions to BURN one notebook that I have upon my death…and it is for a damn good reason.

We all need to vent.  I do it on paper.  I have found paper to be the most reliable in terms of friendship.  It works well for me.  And it can’t tell anyone my secrets.

I swim in a deep, vast ocean of secrets.  My own and other peoples.  I don’t know why – but I find comfort in the stillness of secrecy.  This sounds so much more serious than I know it truly to be.  You will all be like “oh my god…what is she doing that I don’t know about!? Is she kicking puppies while pretending to love them” No…no I am not…I am a good person.  But no one is perfect.  No one has pure thoughts all the time.  I enjoy being privy to the darker side of the human psyche.  I don’t find it scary.  I find it intriguing.  I am not talking murder here people…stop making this weird.  I am talking about the other side of human behavior – the side that doesn’t fit the traditional puritan norm that we have all become so scared to scowl at.  I love exploring the possibilities that JUST MAYBE…we don’t all fit into this perfect box.  Let your freak flag fly I say…I guess this is why I have never been one to judge.  I don’t judge your lifestyle, your sexual orientation, your religious affiliation, your race, your socioeconomic status, your firm belief that one day we will all go “home” on a mothership of some sort…hey man, if it makes you happy and you are not hurting anyone else…Hell yes! You wear your tinfoil hat or stand outside on a hill and wait for the second coming.  I sure as SHIT don’t care!  Because really, I don’t know the answers.  Once you realize that..life gets just a bit easier.

“The only true wisdom is in knowing that you know nothing.”  Socrates

If you don’t know who that is….go watch Bill & Teds Excellent Adventure again..ya dumbass.

Hey Michelle? What? What are your favorite songs when you write a blog? WELL OTHER MICHELLE….the following:

Imagine, A Perfect Circle. * Jane Says, Janes Addiction.  *Keep on Keepin’ On, Tech N9ne. * Engine Number 9, Deftones. * Go It Alone, Beck.  *Karma Police, Radiohead.  *Troublemaker, Weezer. * Classico, Tenacious D.  *Garden Grove, Sublime.  *Modern Man’s Hustle, Atmosphere.  * Wish You Were Here, Pink Floyd.  *You Know I’m No Good, Amy Winehouse.   *Say Goodbye, Dave Matthews.  *Vitamin, Incubus.  *Under Pressure, Queen.  *#41 Dave Matthews.  *Winter, Tori Amos.  *MX, Deftones.  *Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town, Pearl Jam. * Lay Down Sally, Eric Clapton.  *The Way You Make Me Feel, Michael Jackson.  *Indifference, Pearl Jam.  *Mother, Pink Floyd.  *Shameless, Ani DiFranco. * Butterfly, Weezer.  *My Friends, Red Hot Chili Peppers.  *Flowing, 311. * Fuck You Lucy, Atmosphere. * She’s Always a Woman, Billy Joel.  *Stinkfist, Tool.  *Girl, Beck.  *Favorite Things, Incubus.  *Piggy (Nothing Can Stop Me Now), NIN. * Empty Spaces, Pink Floyd.  *Let Down, Radiohead.  * Baby I’m Amazed, John Lennon.  *Cigaro, System of a Down.  *Closer, NIN. * ATLiens, OutKast.  *Eclipse, Pink Floyd.  *Put Your Lights On, Everlast. * The Boxer, Simon & Garfunkel, *7 Words, Deftones.  *Third Eye, Tool.  *Thunder Kiss ’65, White Zombie.  *Forty Six & 2, Tool.  *H., Tool.  *The Chauffer, Deftones.  *Drive, Incubus.  *Amber, 311. * Me and Bobby McGee, Janis Joplin.  *Ballad for My One True Love, Mason Jennings. * Winter, Tori Amos.  *Never is a Promise, Fiona Apple.  *3 Libras, A Perfect Circle.  *Idioteque, Radiohead.  *Fast Car, Tracy Chapman.  *Falling For You, Weezer. *Butterfly, Weezer.  *Passenger, Deftones (ft. Maynard James Keenan).  *Untouchable Face, Ani DiFranco.

Ok dudes…this was for me…so I can make the best freakin iPod mix ever.  But hey, if you learned something about music? or about me? Sure..what the hell..otherwise….go f yourself.  I don’t care.  This is my goddamn blog.

Michelle (Don’t shit in my mouth and tell me it is pudding……or something?) Lynn

Aug 9, 2013 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

Why I quit Facebook.

Okay, I know what you are thinking – quitting Facebook is like running away from home as a kid.  It is only for attention and you will be back in a couple hours (I’ve seen that e-card too, dick).  And I definitely experienced a brief desire to post something about my absence prior to deleting my account – but then I thought about WHY I found that to be necessary.   I realized that the only reason I would have to make some sort of grand exit via a clever “last statement” was because I thought someone would actually give a shit.  THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I NEEDED TO STEP AWAY.  I found that my self esteem was suffering as a result of a social media website that I claim to not even remotely care about.

I think we all lie to ourselves regarding the motives behind having a Facebook page.  AND I am not even necessarily saying that the reason is a BAD ONE.  But for me…it was becoming more and more obvious that this silly website was dictating my mood on a more consistent basis.

We are fundamentally social creatures.  We desire connection to one another.  This site originally gave us a place to keep in touch with individuals we may not necessarily see all the time.  What I think it morphed into is something very different (not for all, but for a good number of folks).  I became addicted to the desire to be accepted by people through “likes” or comments.  As someone that wasn’t exactly “popular” in high school and has always felt to be a bit of a social outcast – it felt good to gain the acceptance of my peers, even if it was from cyberspace.   The downside was – it also made me feel very ostracized because of things I couldn’t afford to be a part of or simply was not invited to.

In life, it is very normal to not be invited to certain events – but never before has it been so obvious when those events occurred and you were not invited.  I think we have a false concept of what a friendship means on Facebook.  I have many friends that I have met through mutual friends, at shows, at bars etc.  These people, though amazing people, are not really my friends.  They are people that like to drink and enjoy the same bands I do.  I am not delusional enough to think otherwise.  It isn’t that I wouldn’t like to establish a close connection with these people….it just isn’t going to happen.  They have their life and I have mine.  The only time (most likely) our paths will cross is in this particular situation on this particular day.  Though I cherish these times and these people at these times, I don’t find it necessary to be a part of their everyday life.  I am very happy that they are doing well and are happy…but I really don’t need to know what you ate for lunch today.  It is such a ridiculous amount of social information that becomes almost a crutch for the lonely.

I will not deny the fact that I feel very lonely sometimes (not that I don’t have the most incredible friends and family)….but we all have the desire to meet new people.  It is interesting! It is new! It is different!  There is NOTHING wrong with that.  But….Facebook is actually a pretty fucking personal expression (for many people) of who they are.  Do you really want your bar friends to know what makes you tick, on that level?  Because sometimes (and we all do it) we put personal shit on there, almost a cry for help and when  you get no response (or a limited response) we wonder, “WHY OUT OF 300 PEOPLE DOES NO ONE GIVE A SHIT!?”  I understand that posting anything sensitive on Facebook is probably a poor place to dump your shit – but people do it because those people ACTUALLY NEED SOMEONE.  It is just another way to try and reach out.  Don’t fault them for it…. maybe text them and see if they want to go out for lunch.  Because honestly – if you are “friends”, EVEN ON FACEBOOK, you should probably give a fuck about their happiness.  If not…why are you sharing yourself with that person?

What is such a huge indicator of how mindlessly addicted I was to Facebook is I frequently find myself clicking on the spot my Facebook icon was located on my phones main page.  Now it is Pandora…which inevitably pisses me off because Pandora is not an easy program to get out of.  You can’t just click to your “HOME” page and it disappears….getting out of Pandora requires STEPS…but I digress…

It became a way to distract me from the inevitable work that I needed to do for myself.  My very good friend Billy D. was the inspiration behind this decision.  I was complaining about my life choices and frustrated that I couldn’t change and he simply said…”it is kind of hard to focus on yourself when you are involved in so many people’s lives daily via Facebook”.  Ok..that may not be the exact quote..but close enough dammit.  It was at that moment that I slapped myself across the face and said “OF COURSE!”.  Once I ended the conversation with him, I thought this concept over.  I found myself trying to talk myself out of it.  An example: “But April is having her baby this Saturday! I need to post pictures!”….I thought to myself, “Michelle, why the fuck do you need to post pictures?  It isn’t your baby!”  Almost like…I needed validation from my “friends” on Facebook  by showing them what a good friend I was for being there for one of my closest friends… Then I realized what a shitty personality trait that is.  This isn’t my day….this is April’s day.  No one needs to know that I am there for her but HER.  (and yes I understand that stating this on my blog is also a backhanded way of telling you all that I was there, but it is for an example..not pride).

I realized that moment – that I already had the greatest support in my life.  I don’t need the recognition of 300 people I barely know.  I am there for my friends because I love them.  PERIOD.  After this realization, it was easy to say goodbye to my addiction.

Do I still have a lot to say? YES.  Do I still enjoy sharing a part of me with the public? OF COURSE (otherwise I wouldn’t write this blog) – but only the people that have given me comfort, happiness and acceptance get all of me.  Not that there isn’t room for more…but I’m done giving it away for free.

Again, I am not saying that this is true for you – but this was my reality and I am happy I changed it.  Immediately after getting rid of it – I smiled.  Why? Because I knew that the people that found me sans Facebook – are the keepers…and I know how lucky I am with just 20 friends and an incredible family.

I know this wasn’t exactly a funny post, but damn it felt good to write.  I wish you all well and I will be back to talk snarky shit soon! :)

Have a good weekend random internet people.

Michelle (so, that happened) Lynn

May 29, 2013 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

How I know you are too young to hang out with.

Ladies Ladies Ladies – Jay and Silent Bob are in the HHIIIZZZZOOUUUSSEEE!

I haven’t written a damn thing lately.  Who missed me? You? You slut. I knew it….

So I hang out with quite a few kids that are significantly younger than I am.  I am a 33 year old woman.  I have no children.  I might as well be 24.  But in my encounters with my young friends – I have come across certain things that make us alarmingly different and I feel the painful reminder of my age right in my throat every single time one of these things comes up.

Since I am fond of lists (because my mind works very much like a list) I present to you:

HOW I KNOW YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR ME TO HANG OUT WITH:

1. This is a big one.  If you still match your bra and panties every single day.  Us older women KNOW for a FACT that this actually takes more effort than it is worth.  If you count the number of times you actually get laid and the number of times you match your undergarments – One side is going to have a much larger number.  Trust us older women – NO ONE GIVES A SHIT if you are wearing a pink bra with the perfect pink/black lace panties.  NOT A SINGLE MALE SOUL.  And if you find yourself in a position where a man is turned off by that….he isn’t turned off by that..he is turned off by your vagina and he likes dudes (which is TOTALLY AWESOME but he just needs to come on out of the proverbial closet) Men don’t even see your clothes – they see through them. I promise you.

2.  If I say the phrase Brat Pack and all you think of are those stupid slutty dolls.  I really don’t need to elaborate on this one. I’m embarrassed for you.  I wonder if that is where we all went wrong.  We were all fine with the Barbie, sure if she was real she wouldn’t have any ribs – but at least she had aspirations other than being a fucking cunt.  She was a flight attendant, she had a solid boyfriend, she had a goddamn mansion and a fucking pink convertible.  Bratz dolls had slutty ass clothes and took makeup lessons from drag queens.  The Brat Pack boys and girls are a group of actors and actresses from the 80′s that were in every single movie about boys and girls and their fucked up relationships.  That shit was touching man…all of it.

3. You do not know what “FINISH HIM” refers to.  This is not the ending to every single porno (though it could be).  If you don’t know what this phrase refers to you never played real video games.  Also,  if you don’t know what ANIMALITIES are…let me teach you a little something.

DAMMIT! I wanted to insert a video but apparently – I went to school for only one thing and I am RETARDED at everything else. :/ I mean, I get how to do it – but it wouldn’t play it….so PISS OFF computer…PISS OFF.

Go to this link if you want to know what the hell I am talking about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZlgujnhg0M

4. If your FIRST car was a 20xx something.  Dudes. My car was a 199x something.  It was the equivalent to the WORST car you could pick in MarioKart.  But it was free and it cost me like 11 dollars to fill it up with gas.

5. Your “if I was a stripper” song is “You’re Crazy Bitch” – not “Pour Some Sugar on Me”.  Ok…there are so many things wrong with that stupid song (I mean both of them but the former is way worse).  This motherfucker is calling you CRAZY…but it’s cool cause you can “fuck so good”.  REALLY!? REALLY?!! (I am doing the weekend update “Really?!” segment in my head right now).  Pour some sugar at least tells us to “do it” in “the name of love”.  Think about what you are endorsing when you dance like a whore to that song.  You are fully admitting that you are indeed a crazy bitch.  (NOT THAT WE HAD AN OUNCE OF DOUBT)

6.  You don’t know the words to the LOG SONG by Ren and Stimpy. OR YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT REN AND STIMPY IS.  Watch a couple episodes of this show….just do it.  I have them if you want to borrow them.  This is the most perverted, disgusting cartoon that has ever existed that WASN’T on Cartoon Network Adult Swim.  Challenge me on that. I dare you.  Did anyone else CRINGE when they pulled out all the teeth in that one episode and played with the nerve endings.  UGHHH! It still makes me shudder!  But seriously…IT’S BETTER THAN BAD – IT’S GOOD!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8L6Dpq5kY_A

YOU ARE WELCOME

7. Getting your first bra was exciting and it happened at a really young age.  I was INSANELY embarrassed when my mom made me wear a bra.  I was probably in 6th grade and there was no frilly shit involved.  It was a white, plain ass sports bra that could probably fit my cabbage patch doll.  I hated it..I wanted nothing to do with it – and if any of my male friends that I played softball with found out I was wearing one – I would have fucking DIED. Now..I look at these “training bras” and wonder what exactly we are training our kids for…….hmmmm????

8.  You have always had a cell phone…..OR THE INTERNET. Ok..I am totally going to admit something right now – do you remember Prodigy?  Not the band (not that anyone that doesn’t remember prodigy will remember the band prodigy either..but I digress) Ok..there was a “chat room” type feature..I can’t remember the exact name of it..but I was on that thing all the time and I am pretty sure (reflecting back knowing what I know now) I was not talking to 13 year old boys……………. THANK FREAKING GOD I was smart enough at that age not to give out any personal information.  Anyway….I got my first cell phone when I was 19.  19 years old people….I know kids in 2nd grade that have fucking iPhones.  FUCK YOU.  ”OH MY KID NEEDS ONE IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY!” FUCK OFF.  I was outside, running around the woods for hours – in Duluth, MN  - land of a fuck ton of bears and other creatures that could eat my face off….I didn’t have a cell phone….you know what we had to tell us to come home?…..a really loud screaming mom or a super impressive human whistle.  I Trick or Treated in the 1991 blizzard in DULUTH! to my Great Grandparents house – I will 11 years old and that was at least 3 miles from our origination point.  Guess what..we made it….no cell phones.  Bunch of pussies these kids are these days…their parents are even worse… ugh…

9.  You didn’t have an Encyclopedia Britannica set at home.  When I had to write a paper about the rain forest…I had to go to the “R’s”.  Then I had to find rain forest..and if I wanted to write about anything IN the rain forest – I had to grab another fucking book to look that up.

10.  You find 80′s parties cute and fun.  I find them to be a painful reminder of what every single one of my elementary school photos looks like.  I don’t want to live that again..I burned those photos in order to forget about those clothes.  You may think being NEON is cute..but I assure you – when it was a serious thing..it isn’t fun to reflect on NOR to recreate.

11. You have never seen Drop Dead Fred, The Sandlot OR Labyrinth. If you don’t know what I am talking about when I say “cobwebs” or refer to when the troll is peeing in the lake……or whenever you see dog shit you sing “dog poo dog poo doggy doggy dog poo”…..or have no idea how ANNOYING the phrase “we were in the biggest pickle” can be when said over and over again by the most annoying character in a movie………..Then you are too young for me to hang out with.

12.  You never genuinely feared tetanus from the things you played with.  Dude..slap bracelets?  That was an accidental suicide waiting to fucking happen!  Not to mention every single piece of playground equipment we had….At any moment you were absolutely in jeopardy of dying.  You haven’t lived until you have gone 35 miles an hour on a rusty platform with shady bars to hang on to – and the only way off is to jump to your death on a gravel covered ground because your friend pushing you is a sadistic fucking asshole and won’t stop even when you want to vomit.  Yeah, you know what I am talking about.

13.  You have never sat by the radio for HOURS AND HOURS so you could record your favorite songs off of your favorite station.  I had the best goddamn mix tapes.  Don’t even fuck with me.  I had dedication man.

14.  You only know Gwen Stefani as a shitty pop singer.  Let me tell you something kids..that bitch had a mustache……look up “I’m Just a Girl”…she isn’t even hiding it.  Yeah…badass chick in a ska band…turned douchy chick in a pop video wearing a goddamn leotard.

15.  You have no idea that MTV actually stands for Music Television.  I was born before MTV started…Video Killed the Radio Star was the first song that aired.  SUCK IT……. Before Kindergarten I watched the goddamn Bozo show and MTV.  Yeah buddy.  Oh and the STD/hottub fucking monstrosity that is The Real World NOW..started in 1991 and actually had intelligent people that had careers at 21… And looked at serious social issues like AIDS and racism.  Puck did fucking snot rockets…and was a bike messenger in San Francisco.   Now we have a bunch of retarded, slutty, angry, drunk people that like to tan.

16.  You have never had to wait 3-4 days for your pictures to be developed.  I had to wait almost a goddamn week to find out that half of my pictures didn’t turn out.  AND PAY like 11 dollars for it!  If I couldn’t wait – I had to pay MORE to get them done in an hour.  All those pictures of Sea World you thought were going to be amazing…they actually SUCK and I had to pay money to find that out.

Anyhoooo..these are some of my favorite telltale signs that I am too old to hang out with you….Hope you enjoyed…perhaps watched a video or two – wondered what it was like to FINISH HIM…. hahaha (sluts)…

Michelle(I walked uphill, barefoot to and from school) Lynn

Feb 17, 2013 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

Things I would like to take away from people.

We all have seen something we want to Dikembe Mutombo slap out of the hands of another person.  (that commercial fucking makes me laugh…every single time.  Especially the cereal, holy hell)  This list has been a life long collection of annoyances.  I share with you my list of things I would like to take away from people.

Karaoke:  if you can sing – you don’t need a fifth of vodka to do it.

Powder Laundry Detergent:  if you cannot use this without spilling HALF of the goddamn container on the floor – you should just be the smelly kid.

Ridiculous Car Spoilers:  Really?  REALLY?  You have no understanding of the concept of aerodynamics.  Stop pretending.

Coach Purses:  I GET IT! You have enough money to spend 200 dollars on a purse.  I also think you are stupid for doing it.  A purse holds your tampons, money, various pills, and your cell phone.  My pocket does the same thing.

Hair Extensions:  Stop faking it and grow that shit out like the rest of us.  You get to look awkward after you thought a pixie cut was a good idea and try growing it out again.

Hats with a Flat Brim:  Ridiculous.  That is all I need to say.  I will not talk to someone based on the fact that they are wearing one of these.   As Liz Lemon would say: DEAL BREAKER!

Tables Used as Drums:  STOP MAKING MY FUCKING TABLE VIBRATE WITH YOUR GODDAMN FINGER DRUMMING!  One of my biggest goddamn pet peeves.

Skinny Jeans on Guys:  We get it, you are skinny- that isn’t a good thing.  I don’t want to be able to crush you during sex.  (just emotionally)

Tanning Booths:  if you were a shade darker and wore a green jumpsuit – you could be mistaken for an oompa loompa.  Stop it.  You will end up looking like that woman from There is Something About Mary.  And why must you always have blonde hair?  STEP OUT OF THE BOOTH AND EMBRACE SKIN THAT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE BEEF JERKY! 50 is going to fucking suck for you.

Whisky:  Does anyone know ANYBODY that is a good time after drinking a ton of whisky?  Didn’t think so.

Man Rings:  (unless you are married) Please take off the ring that is on your thumb.  I don’t understand it – I don’t think it is attractive, I think you look silly.  If you have on more jewelry than I do – this relationship isn’t going to work.

Cells Phones Past 1am:  This is one I would like to slap out of my own hand.  Nothing productive or intelligent happens via text after 1am.

Snowboarding:  You were cool for doing that like..10 years ago.  (I actually know a ton of snowboarders, but I have to say it!)

Coolwater Cologne:  You smell like Junior High.  You might as well be wearing Drakkar Noir.

Curling Irons:  That shit just took you 2 hours to do and it will look like crap in 20 minutes.

Memes:  I don’t always hate Memes but when I do – it is always.  (on the rare occasion, they are actually funny)

Nipple Piercings:  Why?  Is there a logical reason for this?  Just for funzies? If I took off a dudes shirt and saw nipples pierced – so many things would go through my mind….I would most likely end up on some scenario that involves Doc from Back to the Future and getting home in a Delorean.

Tramp Stamps:  Didn’t think about the whole permanent thing when you got that at 18? Did ya?  Turn that shit into a back piece….please.

Uggs:  Okay, I have many girls that I LOVE that wear these – but girls, riddle me this:  You purchased boots that cost like 200 dollars and then freak out about getting them wet IN SNOW?! They are boots!!! THAT IS THEIR PURPOSE! Haha… C’mon!  They sell really great boots at Kohls for like 30 bucks and they will actually keep your shit dry.  No pre-treatment required.

Buttons With Your Kids In Soccer:  No. No. No. I get it, you are proud.  Absolutely! That is great but buttons gotta go.

Stick Figure Families on Cars:  You have a minivan, I already assumed you had too many kids.  I didn’t need it confirmed with stickers.

Baby on Board Car Signs:  How do you think that is going to make an asshole driver – stop being an asshole driver????  It isn’t – I can promise you.

Leggings:  Argh.  That is all.

Pets:  THEY ARE NOT AN ACCESSORY! Take them out of your fucking purse! They are not for your own gambling gains!  They are living goddamn creatures!  IF YOU CHOOSE TO GET ONE – FUCKING TAKE CARE OF IT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!  Ugh…This one gets me going.

Glitter:  Stop wearing glitter.  STOP NOW.  You have personally caused 4000 domestic disputes because you need to hug everyone.

Okay….I am good and over this blog.  I am sure you are as well.  I am sure I could do a round 2 (FIGHT!) but, for now – this is all you get.  I hope you all have an amazing Saturday night. (just kidding, I hope you all get too drunk and sexually assault your toilet in the name of eliminating poison from your body).  I LOVE YOU!

Michelle (knock it the fuck off, bitches) Lynn

Sorry if I offended you.  Wait…no, no I am not.

Feb 11, 2013 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

Everything you ever needed to know about the Grammy’s but didn’t care enough about to actually watch them. You are welcome. I wasted that 4 hours of life for you.

I have never actually watched the Grammy’s before.  This should be interesting.  I do believe it is relatively sad that I get all of these awards mixed up.  I don’t know which is for movies, television, music, porn? I mean seriously, WAY TOO MANY of these shows out there.

For as much as I enjoy music and movies – I do not enjoy watching the pompous men and women of Hollywood  pat themselves on the back for 4 hours straight while attempting to be funny and relate-able.  Until I have a house on the cliffs of Italy – I cannot fucking relate to you – so just shut your mouth George Clooney!

BUT FOLKS, I am willing to watch this ridiculous display of gratuitous congratulations – just so you don’t have to.  This is the real Grammy’s people – the way I see it.

(I will most likely not know the names of most of these little twats – so I apologize if I spell what I hear incorrectly)

_____________________________________________________________

Indiana beat Ohio State! Yeah, I don’t care.  Basketball is HORRIBLE.  The squeaking of shoes is enough to say HELL NO to basketball.

Pretty soon that talking E-trade baby is going to be old enough to actually talk. Then what E-trade!?? THEN WHAT!?

____________________________________________________________

LADIES LOVE COOL JAMES! HOSTING! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA? Sold.  Excuse me while I get lost in his dimples.  Did you know that dimples are actually a flaw in how the muscle is attached to the bone? True story.  Why can’t THAT be the flaw I get?!

So far..WHO? WHO? Oh I know that dude…WHO? WHO??!!!!!!!!

I did not know Bruno Mars looked like Justin Biebers black cousin.

Is this Taylor Swift?  I hope she gets her period RIGHT NOW.  (she is wearing all white if you didn’t watch).  I think I have had half of these outfits as halloween costumes in the past 4 years.

Yeah Ms. Swift, good luck with those failing marriages.

Refrain from Michael Jackson jokes…….REFRAIN MICHELLE!

zzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……..Bored already.

I do love me some Elton John.  I got nothing bad to say about this performance.  I am actually enjoying it.  I have never seen Elton John – one of my bigger music regrets.  Saw Simon and Garfunkel though…so suck it.  I actually have never seen Billy Joel either..WTF!

Pitbull is way too rapey for me.  I just feel like his penis is leering at me…and I feel like the head of his penis actually does look like his face.  ugh……

I do love a jiggly thigh.  Thanks Jho…

THANK GOD – real talent is winning so far. Adele… way to go girl.  She does kind of look like Lisa Lampinelli though (before she was bullied into anorexia)… but cute as a button.

Fun? Are you going to play that lion king song? Nope, you are going to hurt my ears with flat notes.  It’s cool, I like your pants.  (no, no I don’t) What in the FUCK is he wearing!!?  Is this one of those “creative artist” things that I don’t understand?  He looks better in capri’s than I do (dammit).

Tribute to Marley – I feel extremely under prepared for this tribute….Looks like John Mayer is ready for it though.

Nothing better than a dude rocking out on a stand up bass. I would party with that dude.

OOH THIS IS WHY I DON’T KNOW WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE…country.  NO SPANK YOU.

SO…the Grammy’s is a concert.  Okay.  I was under the impression there were awards given out.

I wanna see Morris Day and the motherfuckin Time!!!

Ugh..I miss Outkast.

I know a few dudes that are probably sportin huge boners for JT’s performance… (their boner may not be huge, but the spirit behind it is)

I don’t want to live in this world anymore.  #everythinghasafuckinghashtag

I miss when Weezer was the nerd group.  I mean…out of that bunch, I am glad that Fun won..(that rhymed) #imissthe90s

I wish life came with a “wrap it up” music option.

Mumford! Yes.  And, may I recommend – if you like Mumford, go out and see my uncle’s band Gypsy Lumberjacks.  You will enjoy them.

http://gypsylumberjacks.com/

This is Gypsy Lumberjacks – my uncle is the drummer….. Doug, he is the SHIT! He taught me everything about music when I was in kindergarten.  (well, he and my father)

Hey Dan, that dude doesn’t wear shoes either – you are not alone.

Okay, Ellen Degenerous is actually making me laugh.

Oh boy…JT….how many people need to excuse themselves to the bathroom after this performance?  Nice Sepia touch.  I would love to make fun of him, but I can’t.  He has so much goddamn talent.  Plus, the kid cried on television to his mom…how can you hate on that?  OOH IT IS GETTING URBAN UP IN HERE!  LOL!  I love it.  I want to believe that JT would be good in bed because he can dance – but dammit I cannot get past this sweetness that makes me feel as though he would just want to cuddle for hours.  He has zero sex appeal to me.  JT is a man among boys in this industry.  So much class and talent.  Hats off to this man.  Thank god he stopped fucking Brittney Spears!

I heard Dave Grohl is a dick.  That is all. (you know…cause I know people that know people)

The boss is still making music!????

Adam Lavine – I could do without you.  I can’t get that scene from American Horror Story out of my head where you LICK YOUR HAND!!! (threw up a little just now)

So..watching this – it is unfortunate that the industry is so difficult to break into – I know so many talented musicians… yet we celebrate so few of them.  I know a few AMAZING guitar players – some INCREDIBLE singers – PHENOMENAL drummers – etc…And who the fuck am I?! Can you even imagine who else is out there?  This is why I go out there and support my local music!  Musical talent is EVERYWHERE.. go listen to some!

Okay, enough of that shit.  Did this Kelly Clarkson song not come out like 5 years ago????? Wait, is that Ms. Independence?  I don’t know – it all sounds the damn same… She is pretty cute though – kind of liked her speech.  I feel like we could be friends. (in an alternative universe).

WHAT BUS ARE THESE KIDS ON!! You can’t smoke on school buses!!!

Hahahaaa Sting – best reference to him was from the Simpsons – Sting dies and on his tombstone it reads “STUNG” LOL!

I STRONGLY dislike Rhianna.  I don’t even care if that is how she spells her name.  I have heard nothing but terrible things about her character.  And in this case – I actually DO know someone that knows something….. just sayin.  I like Nicki Minage (don’t care how you spell her name) less. Alicia Keys on the other hand…AMAZING.

How few fucks does Jay-Z give? Seriously – it is kind of funny.  I love it.  Mr. West – isn’t he in batman? Wait… Where is Kanye? Cut off music got CUT THE FUCK OFF by Mr. Jay-Z! #badassed

Did I just hear sitar lifetime achievement award? YES!!!

Nothing like McDonalds to increase your athletic abilities.  My god.

Joe Rogan had the Black Keys on a LONG time ago via his podcast.  I feel so hipster right now.   Angela! That dude is wearing your hat from Boji!!!

Despite knowing how douchey Katie Perry is – I will still do dirty things to her.  Just sayin.  (mom and dad – like mud wrestling)

Ugh..whenever I see a horn section – it just brings me back to band in junior high – fucking spit valve…disgusting.

Bless Kelly Clarkson and Adele.  You make me feel like a natural woman.

I LOVE DUDES WITH BEARDS!!!!  Seriously – the dirtier you look – the happier you make me.  Fuck pretty boys.

I saw Ziggy Marley in Minneapolis for free like 5 years ago.  Amazing.

AND FOR THE LAST TIME: Herbal Essence will NOT get you off in the shower! Trust me..I’ve tried.

Okay, I get it – Bruno Mars - INSANELY TALENTED.  I will give him credit for sounding exactly like Sting in his tribute to him ….. Okay fine..I can’t even say anything bad about him…..I just have to be in a mood to listen to Sting….so that song gets to me sometimes.  Roxanne is one of my LEAST favorite songs ever….so give me a break.  After seeing this performance I am actually kind of excited to see what is to come in his future.

I will say this: Rhianna looks the best I have ever seen her.  Good for her.  Okay Ziggy..those ARE SOME DREADS! Holy shit!

That Bruno Mars/tribute to Bob Marley was easily the best reason to have watched this show….

Bruno Mars is only 6 years younger than me…..he looks 12!!!  I suppose – 26 is still pretty young.  BUT STILL! I feel bad about myself now.

Okay, that passed quickly.

Many of these performers look like the cast of Dead Poets Society…

Jack White is the embodiment of every single Johnny Depp character.

Katy Perry looks like she is smuggling two bald midgets in her dress.

I don’t know who Hunter Hays is – but I am pretty sure I could kick his ass…

Whenever Fun gets on stage – all I see is Marty McFly!

Okay, I may be ridiculous for saying this – being from Minnesota and all – but the only Prince song I like is Seven…… sorry.

What fucked up fairy tale did this bitch step out of???  I mean, yay! go you! Your dress is…pretty?

I HATE RYAN SEACREST!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH.  I bet he is exactly like how he is portrayed in Knocked Up.  Bitch needs a cookie.

Music tribute to those that have died…. MCA….FUCKING REST IN PEACE BROTHER!!!!!  Nothing has ever made me happier than sitting on the rail at Rock the Vote…. Rest in Eternal Peace.  Ugh..this shit still makes me cry. That is my goddamn childhood.  Beastie Boys!!!!!!!! Still have insane love for them.  I always thought about when I got old enough (and they got old enough)…I would be able to see them perform at a casino…..and MAYBE meet them… sigh… dreams come and go.

Okay..on a totally unrelated note:  Why do girls get super freaked out about washing your hands after you pee?  Do you pee on your hand? Do you wipe with your fingers?? I know I sure as shit don’t.  Just saying.. Unless I am cooking food – I don’t give a shit about washing my hands after a good piss.  Does this make me disgusting???  I think it is irrational to wash your hands that much.  Do you know how much fecal matter is on your toothbrush??  Or on the goddamn door knob you touch leaving the restroom???? Yeah… FUCKING GROSS…..so…don’t hate on me when I don’t wash my hands after I pee…there is 6 inches of tissue in between my vagina and my hand…I promise…(I am a wrapper).

ANYHOOOOO….

I am super over this shit – waaaaay too many hours of crap I don’t care about.  This blog is entirely too long..I cannot imagine I am going to come up with anything clever and I have to mop a fucking entryway…

Have a wonderful Monday you crazy assholes.

Hey..in the spirit of the Grammy’s ….please check out the following local bands…

Good for Gary

Deadweight

Solution 13

Gypsy Lumberjacks

Element 33

Teptricy

Rivkit

3 Dudes

SOB’s

Team Bad Decision

shit, I know I have so many more but am spacing out like a tard-o currently.

Have a good night.  Mumford and Sons – Album of the year.  Perfect.

Michelle (I have an opinion on everything – I will fight you) Lynn

Ok….hold up motherfuckers..I just heard….LL Cool J….with Tom motherfucking Morello.. and douche bag Travis Barker…we all know where this is going….

Masturbation.

Goodnight.

Feb 3, 2013 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

The things I wish I knew 5 minutes ago.

Just kidding, that has nothing to do with what I am going to write about.  In fact, I have no idea what I am going to write about but I figure – nothing will be written if I don’t just start.  I am going to see where this glass of wine will take me.

I have realized that I desperately need alone time.  I get insanely cranky when I do not have time to not worry about the impression I am making on someone else.

I am watching the movie Smart People.  I enjoy it.  (good story bro!)

This will get better, I kind of promise you.  Who am I kidding, I don’t make promises.  Surely we all know that promises are bullshit.  The word promise should be eliminated from our vocabulary.  Banned from the dictionary – destroyed!  It just creates false hope and endless disappointment.

I realized this recently.  If you dig through your significant others shit..you are looking for sadness and disappointment.  Are you happy in your relationship? Yes? Great! Don’t go looking for reason to fuck it up!  Because one of two things will happen.  1.  you won’t find anything (in which case, there was no reason to be a snoopy little bitch in the first place) or 2. you find something and your illusion of perfection is destroyed!  Neither of those options sound great.  I would rather live in the world of ignorance when it comes to relationships.  Trust me, the less you actually know about the darkness of human desire and deceit…that happier you will be. Period.

Hey..speaking of my lack of faith in the human condition – I PASSED MY EXAM!  I am now able to practice psychology……  With real people..that fucking pay me?! Are you kidding?!!  If you don’t really know me..this thought probably scares the shit out of you.  If you DO really know me..you know that I will be a wonderful therapist.  Tis the difference between a friend and an acquaintance in my world.

“Are you usually better at masking your pomposity?”

I LOVE HOW RANDOM I AM!

I have recently gotten to know some pretty amazing people.  I also have recently realized that some people I thought were amazing – are actually insanely insecure.  I am not saying these folks are bad people, in fact, I do believe in their “goodness” but….where they are at in life currently does not allow for them to understand what a genuine relationship means.  And by relationship, I certainly am not narrowing my perspective to a romantic one.

I recently had a personal shit fit.  This shit fit comes out in pretty hilarious ways.  The past week was a doozy for me.  It is funny trying to figure out yourself in your 30′s.  People expect this level of maturity that I don’t think one really attains until much later in life.  I am almost 33 years old and am certainly no closer to understanding the complexities of my inner workings than I was at 23.  Though, I have changed drastically – I do believe that I am in a constant state of flux and evolution.  I firmly believe that with every single encounter, experience etc…we evolve into a more complete version of ourselves.  AND…I do believe that with any luck – we will never stop having those experiences and periods of growth.  I enjoy the challenges that I face as a result of new experiences.  Every single person you meet gives you the opportunity to question who you really are.  This is INSANELY frustrating at times.  It can throw you into a spiral of doubt…of sadness…(and of course… happiness)…but at the end of the day – you have had the opportunity to learn something new about yourself.  This is priceless.  I also thinks this terrifies people, which is why people reject those that do not agree with their delusional perspective of who they are.  If someone makes you uncomfortable….keep them around…you will learn something.  I can promise you.

(well, except those that are painfully ignorant about basic human rights issues…those people are just fucking retarded)

Arrogance is a defense mechanism.

I have bounced the idea of moving to Colorado around in my head far more in the past couple weeks than I previous had.  I LOVE BOULDER, CO! And knowing that I could visit it any time I want…makes me a little happy.  Plus, I would get to live with one of my best damn friends.  And…I miss our Sunday morning bed/cartoon sessions.

Dude…BISP is disgusting.  Boner in SWEATPANTS!!!! EEEWWWW!

On that note…I say goodnight.  I enjoy you all.  I love that we are different but share the love of laughter.  This was not a particularly funny post..but this is my therapy.  Take it or fucking leave it.

Michelle (yeah, shit just got real) Lynn

Jan 9, 2013 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

A new year. A year older.

I am thinking about doing video blogs – but I really don’t want my intoxicating beauty to distract you from my message.  I mean really – it would be hard to focus when looking at this glorious face delivered by God and signed by me.  HA.  Actually, the real reason I am not super comfortable with the idea of doing a video blog is because it seems to be overdone and there is already a lack of reading in this country.  I don’t want to encourage people to watch yet another thing that looks similar to reality television.  I am going to continue to write, because I enjoy writing – it is my medium – if I can’t explain it with words – I don’t feel like I am worthy of pursuing the art of writing.  Though – I do have a few amazing impressions I would LOVE to show you…..seriously, you should have seen this chick last night.  Holy shit - HYSTERICAL.

Let me see if I can describe it.  Imagine your mom when you were 15 years old. (if you are in the 30 something demographic).  Now picture her in bedazzled jeans and a tight shirt.  Got it?  Now, picture her on a stage by herself at a bar.  Yeah?  Okay, now picture THIS – someone singing karaoke in front of her – no one on a dance floor – just the chick singing(horrendously btw) and this other chick on the stage dancing.  Picturing it?  Sounds pretty fucking depressing right?  Now this girl on the stage was dancing as if she was in the front row of a Bruce Springsteen concert and he just made eye contact with her.  I think that is the best way I can help you visualize this insane mess of a drunk woman.

I have been a drunk mess – we all have – but NEVER have I danced alone on a stage as if 500 people were behind me.  She was also in the stage of drunk where she didn’t give a shit if she ran into everything and everyone around.  Didn’t apologize…nothing.  That chick had 1 more chance to run into me before I politely told her to get the fuck away from me.  And by that I mean – with my fist – to her face.  HAHA..that is funny because I have never even come close to getting into a fight.  I have had a few confrontations with women – but they always choose to confront me when I am with many of my friends…..not a good idea.  Not with my friends…no no..you think I am a bitch – you try fucking with me and you will see the  verbal assassination they are capable of….. and I know some of my girlfriends will slap a bitch.

ANYHOOOOO….On the flip side of that – New Years Eve this year was probably one of the best ones I have ever had.  I was involved in zero drama…no fighting – just smiling and a lot of damn love.  I think that has to be a sign of something.  Whether that be the case or not – it was genuinely one of the better nights out that I have had in a long time.  Plus, I got at least 12 cheek kisses at or around midnight.  Made me feel all fuzzy and shit.

As far as any New Year’s resolutions.  Come on now – you know that that shit never sticks.  I am too much of a realist to believe that just because it is now a Tuesday in a different calendar year, my life will miraculously change.  That just isn’t fucking happening.  I am still going to be fat, drunk and stupid.  Until I decide I don’t want to be those things any longer.  I have never ever been able to motivate myself by promising myself little “rewards” if I accomplish something.  Say I set a goal of losing 10 pounds and once I do that – I can spend 200 bucks on new clothes.  3 days in I literally tell myself to fuck off.  ”Fuck you! You don’t have to lose 10 pounds! You can walk right out that goddamn door and do whatever the hell you want!”  I don’t deal well with authority, even when it is myself.

I don’t know why I have such a hard time being told what to do – or accepting guidance from others.  I guess that was what was instilled in me as a kid…at a very young age.  I am smart enough to figure it out.  One of the only downfalls of having an EXTREMELY supportive father and mother.  They always put faith in my ability to make the best decisions based on logical thought.  SO NOW..when people try and tell me how to do something – or tell me I NEED to do something – I don’t respond favorably.  I have no idea how the hell I keep finding myself in relationships.  I cannot be an easy person to get along with.

I guess that is also why only the strong survive in my circle.  You cannot be a big ol pussy and hope to last very long in my company.

You know what I got for Christmas from two of my friends….vodka.  Goddammit…haha..Apparently it is good vodka…I had no idea – because I don’t ever buy good vodka.  THANKS FRIENDS.

I don’t think you understand the level of restraint I display on a daily basis.  If I told you all what I was really thinking – someone is going to cry.  And don’t get me wrong – I do find a sadistic type of pleasure in making a shitty person cry – but I have learned that it is not a nice way to live life.  But sometimes…it is necessary.

You know you don’t know SHIT about computers when you accidentally push a couple buttons at the same time and entirely new screen pops up with information that looks like a different language.  I wonder if I just tapped into a government agency.  Kidding…but seriously, I have no idea what the hell those words/symbols meant.

I enjoy songs that involve clapping.

I also enjoy a song that can use the words “beep beep” in the lyrics and it sounds badass.

I am taking a license exam for the Board of Counseling and blah blah blah in a week or so.  I am not going to lie – there have been many times I thought I may fail something – this one I actually might.  SHIT.  The DSM is not an easy thing to memorize.  Imagine having to remember every single fucked up thing about each person you have ever met in your life.  Not easy.  Yeah, that is going to be my job.  Oh man…second guessing my choices.

Is it strange that the concept of breast feeding really freaks me out?  I don’t want to suck any bodily fluid from another human……ick.  Blow job jokes can be kept to yourself thank you.

What should I do for my 33rd birthday?  I usually do things that are far beneath my maturity level….like Grand Slam etc… I don’t care how old you are – mini golf and laser tag is fucking fun.  Should I do an indoor water park?  Should I go sledding during the day?  Actually…..HELL YES.  Will there still be snow in March.  DOING IT!

Goddammit I am random..  Should this post be done? It should be…Okay, it is done.

Michelle (beep beep) Lynn

Dec 27, 2012 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

Random…at its finest.

Easy cheese is both easy and cheesy.  Two of my favorite things.  So why wouldn’t I eat it directly from the can?

I have easily got to be one of the more disgusting people that shower on a daily basis – on this planet.

So…the world didn’t end.  How fucking surprising?!  I cannot believe there are people that actually built bunkers and shit.  I mean honestly – do you really want to be left with ONLY those people you chose to put in your bunker?  I would regret that decision in about 12 days.  If the world is going down in a cloud of meteorite dust – I am going with it!  I do not like being in charge of taking care of a plant – I am not going to take on the responsibility of repopulating the planet.  In fact, that may be the last thing on my list of things to do.  Right behind starting myself on fire and allowing my enemies to stab me with harpoons covered in salt.

Next up! NEW YEARS!  New years day is my favorite because it is the day that you promise not to do any of the things that you did the night before.  Actually, the day after new years is my favorite because it is the day you break half (or more) of your resolutions.  Thus beginning the inevitable downfall of our good intentions!

Recently – it has come to my attention that at the bar – I am loud.  I was unaware that the bar was a place where I should be quiet.  And HOW DARE WE GET DRUNK AT THE BAR!! Isn’t that the point? If you want to have an intellectual conversation with me – try a library – or my living room.  The bar is for drinking and being around drunk people.  I honestly have no idea why anyone would go to one other for that reason.  That makes me sound like an alcoholic…but honestly – being around drunk people sober – has got to be one of the most annoying things you can possibly do.  (The person that told me this, I actually adore – but I still think it is funny and I will make fun of him indirectly through my blog).  If you ever want to know me in my genuine form – ask me out to lunch.

Do you want to know the definition of a true friend?  I recently told my best friend that I don ‘t know if I am ever going to be a “normal adult” – and she told me that she never expected me to be!  THAT! IS A GOOD FRIEND!

What else do I have?  I absolutely hate the fact that this culture is obsessed with STUFF to prove worth.  Worth is not the shit you own…it is your fucking character.  I don’t give a shit if your teeth are perfect, you have a 3 ct diamond ring, you have a 4,000 sq ft house – if you are an asshole – nothing you have matters.  The fact that people actually believe that they need to buy their significant other jewelry to show their love for them – makes me want to vomit.  I have been married – I never had a ring…didn’t want one, didn’t ask for one – didn’t give a flying fuck if he had one.  We  bought a home instead (granted, that was a huge financial mistake as well, but at least we didn’t make two financial mistakes)…

Did you know I had actually owned two homes before the age of 27?? True fucking story.  I bought my first home when I was 21.  CRAZY!

Did you also know that I got my real estate license for fun?  Well, I thought I could make fast money doing it – turns out that I can’t.  AND I am not aggressive enough to be a good agent.  BUT….I gained a TON of knowledge on the process of buying and selling homes – so if you have any questions – LET ME KNOW! I am happy to give you advice or guidance!

You know those toilet paper commercials where they show you how much weight a wet sheet can hold?  WHEN THE FUCK IS THAT EVER GOING TO BE RELEVANT!????? I don’t pee ON the toilet paper and then pray it helps me climb out of a crevasse.  I MEAN SERIOUSLY.  Does it remove the shit from my ass? Awesome.   SOLD!

I am thinking about moving to Colorado.  I think it is time to get sick of a different city!  Perhaps it will revitalize my love for Minnesota.  I honestly do love it here.  Yes, the winter is HORRIBLE…but the summer – you cannot beat.  We have grass.

Meh…I am done now!

Michelle (if animals take on the personality of their owners then I am loud, like naps and am extremely needy – sounds about right) Lynn

Dec 16, 2012 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

too much to say.

I have been in a funk – and not a fun one.  It has been a couple of weeks feeling like I have been locked in a hockey bag.  This is not typical behavior for me – at least in public.  NEWS FLASH: I am smart enough to know how to conceal feelings of sadness in public!  I am also smart enough to know that 99.9% of the people out there don’t give a shit about anything that doesn’t directly benefit themselves! SO….ya put on that happy face, make some jokes – play around with your friends boobs and call it a night.  Now, I must make a point to let you know that I am not, nor have I ever been, suicidal (because when some people talk like this, this is the first thing they think of)…I do not need a 1-800 number or a fucking support group.  This bitch is just sad- I will get over it.  I always do.  i just feel as though I need an outlet at this particular point that is NOT facebook – I am not saying that I am correct – but if I put any personal thoughts on that social media site- I will just get raped by the right wing, religious folks out there.  Again, I am not saying I am correct.  You are entitled to your beliefs….BUT LET ME SAY SOMETHING RIGHT THE FUCK NOW…. when you put your posts about God…etc… faith, prayer whatever the terminology may be – does ANYONE dare post about atheism or the fact that science as really kicked your ass in terms of what you are believing in ?  No… But those who are strong believers in God always feel the need to shove their shit down my throat.  Why can you post your prayer shit but I would be hung from the rafters if I stated something along the lines of “religion NOT being taught in schools IS NOT THE DAMN REASON FOR THIS TRAGIC SHOOTING”…..

All I ask is this:  Please respect those of us that do not necessarily believe in your particular faith – as we respect your right to post religious propaganda.

I am most likely going to piss off many people….but I am so tired of censoring myself because I fear the repercussions of those that do not have the same thought process as myself.  Let me repeat myself:  I AM ABSOLUTELY OKAY with the fact that you are religious, you believe in God, you believe in the power of prayer etc…but not everyone thinks this way.  Please remember this.

Ok, so if you have made it this far: Thank you for being open minded – we can most likely have a beer sometime.

Okay – NOW….This shooting is fucking disgusting.  It is insanely sad and tragic.  I would NEVER EVER say otherwise.  But let us not forget that there are murders/mass and individual happening all over this world.  I am not going to list off the countries that have witnessed complete devastation as a result of similar situations.  This is not to say that each event is not equally as devastating and upsetting – but the media in this country is FUCKING APPALLING!   They SIT AND WAIT for ANY information to sensationalize tragedy.  Maynard says it best and in a damn fucking good song.

“Vicarious”

Eye on the TV
’cause tragedy thrills me
Whatever flavour
It happens to be like;
Killed by the husband
Drowned by the ocean
Shot by his own son
She used the poison in his tea
And kissed him goodbye
That’s my kind of story
It’s no fun ’til someone diesDon’t look at me like
I am a monster
Frown out your one face
But with the other
Stare like a junkie
Into the TV
Stare like a zombie
While the mother
Holds her child
Watches him die
Hands to the sky crying
Why, oh why?
’cause I need to watch things die
From a distance

Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies
You all need it too, don’t lie

Why can’t we just admit it?
Why can’t we just admit it?

We won’t give pause until the blood is flowing
Neither the brave nor bold
The writers of stories sold
We won’t give pause until the blood is flowing

I need to watch things die
From a good safe distance

Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies
You all feel the same so
Why can’t we just admit it?

Blood like rain come down
Drawn on grave and ground

Part vampire
Part warrior
Carnivore and voyeur
Stare at the transmittal
Sing to the death rattle

La, la, la, la, la, la, la-lie

Credulous at best, your desire to believe in angels in the hearts of men.
Pull your head on out your hippy haze and give a listen.
Shouldn’t have to say it all again.
The universe is hostile. so Impersonal. devour to survive.
So it is. So it’s always been.

We all feed on tragedy
It’s like blood to a vampire

Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies
Much better you than I

I honestly cannot handle the level of propaganda that I witness on a fucking daily basis.  I make jokes and I use humor as a way to deal with the bullshit that I listen to every single day.
This country/world is in deep fucking shit and if you deny that fact you are taking some damn drugs I would love to get my hands on.  Now, this doesn’t mean that we all have to be miserable and hate life.  We do have the ability to create a slice of life that is positive and happy.  I attempt to do that on a daily basis.  I have found people that encourage me as opposed to kick me when I am down – I have found a way to laugh every single day despite the tragedy that is constantly on the news….I find ways to help in anyway that I can when anyone i know is suffering – I have a rich, fulfilled life.
On a similar note:  Why the fuck do we need therapist when we have Facebook!?  COME ON PEOPLE!  Stop dumping your shit out there – you are casting out a line of sadness hoping someone will bite.  This is why we have friends/family….you need to find someone to confide in.  You need to make plans with an actual PHYSICAL HUMAN and have a personal experience with that person.  No amount of facebook “support” is going to take the place of real human connection.
 ALSO – DON’T expect me to jump at your beckoning call when you have had a fucking bad day – when I have’t heard from you in the 364 days you had a great day – FUCK YOU!  I am not your last resort – I am only patient and kind for so long before I feel taken advantage of – I will not allow you to drain me.  You have to give a shit about being there for me if I am going to be there for you.  I am sorry – I spent too many years depleting my energy caring for people that didn’t give a shit about me.
This does not mean that I don’t care – but I cannot enable your self pity.  I can’t.  Life is fucking tough man….I have lost a lot in my life – I have not been successful in many ways – I have struggled through a lot of shit too – but I never EVER taken advantage of someone because of their kindness.   I have spent days upon days crying by MYSELF – in self loathing, self pity – whatever the case may be – but I NEVER made it someone else’s problem unless I absolutely had to.  And I then confided in the people that really give a shit about me as a result of the 50/50 relationship we have worked on together.
I realize that I am being a total asshole in your eyes…but this is how I am feeling.  At the end of the day – I want to say this:  Life is not easy – there are going to be horrendous things that happen – BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD….this is really the best way to make an honest difference.  Don’t put bumper stickers on your car – don’t just write a stupid fucking blog, don’t air your dirty laundry on facebook – JUST STAND UP – and say I am in FUCKING CHARGE OF MY LIFE!  I get to decide if I am sad, if I am angry etc……stop giving everyone/thing the control!!!!  DO SOMETHING!
Ok….that felt good.  Sorry..I wrote this in passion – and i probably have a BAZILLION grammatical errors…oops.
FYI: I don’t mean to offend you – I just need to express myself and my true feelings…..I love helping people – I love watching people succeed – but I am tired of watching people sit in a hole of sadness and refuse to move.  MOVE! You get one life..don’t waste it..please!  We are capable of so much greatness.
Michelle (fuck it, I am going to herd sheep in the mountains) Lynn
Dec 2, 2012 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

Things I would have told my younger self:

So as you age, you realize that you wasted the “best years of your life” being insecure and retarded.  This is an upsetting realization in your 30′s – ahh…but is it?  if the 40′s are the new 20′s than I am a fucking teenager still!  I have time to make up for the dumb shit I did in my 20′s.

1.  Do not waste your time with makeup and slutty clothes. This will attract you the wrong type of dude.  It is fine to be the nerd that you actually are – eventually, someone of quality will love you for it.

2.  Do not buy a home until you can actually afford to do so.  DUH, I know..but I did it – twice…..and now I am perfectly content renting.  Owning a home seems like the grown up thing to do – but in reality – it is a financial burden and it just ties you to the person you bought it with and the actual home itself.  I much prefer this noncommittal renting situation.  People say, “OH, YOU ARE THROWING MONEY AWAY EVERY MONTH!”  - yeah, tell me that the next time your fucking water heater goes out.  I ain’t gotta fix SHIT!

3.  If an ex girlfriend of your current boyfriend calls you and tells you she is sleeping with your current boyfriend………………..she is probably telling the truth… I mean, she is a fucking bitch – but she is probably telling the truth.

4.  Getting an education IS important – but NOT so important that you put the rest of your fucking adult life in jeopardy as a result of having to pay back a ridiculous amount of student loans.

5.  On a similar note:  you will NOT get your dream job right out of college.  Sorry, you will still be a cashier at the Gap. Bummer! Right?

6.  You do NOT need an entire walk in closet full of clothes. 68 pairs of pants is a ridiculous number.  Plus, in 7 years, in your 30′s – you won’t fit in ONE SINGLE PAIR.  Dress your size and don’t assume that you will always be that size.

7.  When you are 115 pounds – don’t think you are fat – you haven’t SEEN FAT YET! ‘

8.  Though you REALLY want to help people – that is not a lucrative business.  Just find the Devil, sell your soul and get an MBA.

9.  Take the very common jealousy gene – and just shit on it.  There is no sense in giving a flying fuck about not having what someone else has….wanna know why?  Because at the end of the day you will still NOT have what they have, will NOT be 5’10″, you will NEVER be your idea of perfection and you will still be miserable.   Just learn to play with what you got.

10.  Hey younger Michelle, way to go with the music and movie selection.  This actually got you way further than you thought it would.

11.  Stuff does NOT = happiness.  It means more shit you have to move.

12.  Cell phones will inevitably rule your entire existence.  Crazy right?  You were just excited that you didn’t have to pay for long distance anymore!

13.  You didn’t think writing would get you far in terms of a career – neither did Psychology – stick with what you love.

14.  Become a damn server! They make a shit ton of money and you would have been fucking GREAT at it!

15.  PORN is NOT the enemy – stupidity is.

16.  Punch Drunk Love is actually a HORRIBLE movie.  I know you are a fan of those artsy films, but really – this one is terrible.

17.  Dude, MCA is going to die way to0 early – try and meet the Beastie Boys before he does!

18.  When they try and tell you that you get a free T-shirt and calling cards if you sign up for a credit card when you are in college – politely stick your middle finger up in the air and walk past them.

19.  You know how all those dudes think Brittney Spears is so hot?  The bitch will go crazy and shave her own head – just keep that in mind and chuckle a little.  Oh, and she beats her ex’s car with a golf club…fucking classic!!

Really, at the end of the day I would say this to myself:  Thank you for always being curious.  To always wondering what you are capable of and always following that despite what may look like a treacherous path.  Life was not what you expected, but you persevered through some serious shit and you did it with grace, confidence (eventually) and dignity.   THAT, my dearest younger self – is GOLD in terms of self worth.  You may not be the weight you want to be, you may not have the career you thought you would, you may not have the lifestyle you dreamed of – but you have the thing that most with all of the above named desires dream of having – self LOVE.  And you are fucking funny!  Humor and gratitude – two of the best qualities that you could ever ask for.  Never feel as though you are not good enough – because at the end of it all – you will smile knowing that you achieved the greatest accomplishment of all – genuine kindness.  And as a reward – you will have the most incredible family and friends beside you through what can seem to be a really fucking cruel world.  Younger self:  you are going to be just fine.

Michelle (oh, if I would have known) Lynn

Nov 27, 2012 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

How to get girls to like you.

This is pretty easy:

1. have money

2. have money

3. have money

Now, how do you get WOMEN to like you? That is a different story. Girls are easy to find and here is how: go into any bar – close your eyes, throw a dart – BINGO! You found yourself a girl with no self esteem and diminishing intelligence as a result of drinking! * Hey, I know I have been that girl, so I can say this shit.

Getting a woman is an art.  Women will not fall for one liners like, “I’ve never met anyone like you before”….or “oh that? That is a boner, YOU gave that to me”.  HAHA…ok, that is actually one of my favorite lines in a movie you have never heard of.

First off: Let me get rid of some well known myths about WOMEN and their choices in men.

1.  it doesn’t actually matter if you have money.  If you have enough to take care of your shit, we don’t really care.  If you are taking care of your bills and not asking us for drinking money – you don’t need a lot of cash to make us happy.

2. it doesn’t really matter what you look like.  Personality actually does matter to women more than anything else.

3. women do NOT like assholes.  Girls like assholes.

4. not all women are husband hunters.  Not all of us want marriage or kids.  So fear not men!  There are women out there that will allow you to take your time in this department.

5. driving a douched out sports car will not make my panties come off – in fact, it will do the complete opposite.  When I get into that type of car – I immediately wonder how many girls have been raped in the backseat.

Now, how do you get yourself a woman?

It is actually pretty simple:

1. put away the cologne bath

2. put DOWN THE HAIR GEL….

3. take off the affliction T-shirt

4. read a book (NOT Jenna Jameson’s tell all porn bio)

5. take down the Godfather poster

6. bring a bottle of wine and leave the bottle of Tequila at home….

7. remove the slut from your computer background, seriously – are you 15?

8. don’t dance….ever…just please, stop – unless you can – and trust me…98% of you CAN’T!  You look ridiculous – INSANELY RIDICULOUS.

9.  If you can’t sing…don’t sing.  It is awkward and weird for the female listening to someone try and be romantic by singing when they clearly don’t have the talent for it.  This also goes for poetry.

10. Put down the vids.  I mean, I am all for video games in moderation – but for the love of fuck! PUT DOWN THE GAMING CONSOLE!  I don’t ask you to watch me do my fucking hair, I don’t want to watch you shoot people.  And if this is a big part of your life, find a girl that also loves it – they are out there :)

Eh, what the fuck do I know!  But seriously – do all of those things.

Michelle (Jersey Shore is NOT a cool fucking show!) Lynn

Nov 26, 2012 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

How to get boys to like you.

I am pretty sure I am not the authority on this topic….if anything I am the authority on getting boys to like me and then just as quickly, hate me. I have a feeling that these are the reasons for that:

1. Girls – if you don’t understand whatever sport your significant other is watching  - DO NOT ask questions during the entire game.  Just follow their lead…if they cheer, you cheer – if they throw shit at the television, you throw shit at the television.  It is really that simple.

2.  You only really have to know a little about a lot.  Men listen to right around 2 sentences and after that – it doesn’t matter.  So, lead with something that will catch his attention.  This does require you to STFU for a moment and figure out what kind of man you are dealing with (don’t worry, this generally doesn’t take long).  At that point, say something to them regarding the topic they most cherish and say it like you ARE THE ULTIMATE authority on the topic.

3.  Just don’t drink.  Ever.  This is when the sanity plug comes out and everything within range of the swirling center gets sucked right down the drain. Our gender has a really hard time controlling those pesky insecurities when we have had a couple vodka/redbulls.  Plus, the redbull makes us fucking hyper so we just keep going on and on and on and on about why he doesn’t love you blah blah blah.  Just….don’t drink.

4.  If you wear pink all the time – you are insane.  Don’t do that.

5.  If you are watching a band, you are NOT invited on stage – holy shit, get down…..please – for the LOVE OF GOD… GET DOWN.

6.  Don’t put E-cards on your page that say things like “no man should make you cry and the one that is worth it, won’t” (or something)….1. that is bullshit.  Every single person on this planet will most likely make you fucking cry at some point 2. that is so unrealistic and that makes you look insanely unrealistic…stop it.

7.  Learn at least 1 dick/fart joke.  I don’t know why, but you will need it and if appropriate placed (and funny enough) – you will immediately be loved by any group of dudes.

8.  Go out once in awhile in just a tshirt/sweatshirt and jeans….and put on comfortable shoes.  This will show that you can be sensible.  These 5 inch heels all the fucking time are NO GOOD.  Plus, and listen…I know…your ankles/knees will get FUCKED up if you don’t wear sensible shoes at SOME POINT in your life.  I have a hard time going upstairs sometimes and kneeling is not a fucking option anymore….and I am only 32.  So..knock this shit off!

9.  Your favorite movie is NOT the sisterhood of traveling pants..or whatever the hell that movie is called.  Your favorite movie is Fight Club.  Just lie to them.

10.  NEVER….EVER…under ANY circumstances - squeal when you see your friends.  That is the most annoying sound in the entire world.

11.  Never ask a guy if you look fat.  If you are asking, you either 1. are fat or 2. are fishing for compliments.  Either way, it is annoying.

12.  You do not have to know how to cook (this is a misconception propagated by a different era).  You just need to know how to EAT.  If you order a steak and you order it well done – just get the fuck out.  He should not have to pay for your meal if you do this.  You just wasted his money – hope you feel good about yourself.

13.  Don’t hate on other chicks.  Nothing makes a guy want to look at them MORE than you hating them.  If you LOVE other woman….there is the potential of a 3some in the mind of a man – and this makes you the coolest fucking chick on the planet.

14.  If you can look good in a winter hat – and pigtails – there is pretty much NOTHING you can do wrong.

Okay….I am sure I could think of 100 more but I am bored.

Michelle (shhhh, don’t tell anyone) Lynn

Nov 22, 2012 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

To be…or not to be…that is the damn question.

I am sincerely debating what I hate more – being fat or being sober.  I write this blog in the most sincere capacity I am capable of so though some of the shit may be things some of you don’t want to hear – tough shit…

“There’s someone in my head, but it’s not me” I LOVE PINK FLOYD.

I”m having a sorrowful artist moment- just stick with me people.

I really like the song Yellow Ledbetter but I have no idea WHAT THE FUCK HE SAYS!  Seriously, I cannot figure out more than 3 words.  But it sounds emotional, I can dig that.

I spend a significant portion of most days alone – which in turn provides me with ample opportunity to think entirely TOO DAMN MUCH. This was my problem my entire life.  I enjoy being alone but sometimes I just want my mind to SIMMA DOWN NOW!  I have been asking myself questions about life, choices, etc since I can remember and sometimes I feel as though my brain is going to explode.  I analyze everything.  I constantly crave information in whatever capacity I can find it.  This is why I enjoy people so much (in small doses).  They provide me with more information about the human condition than I could ever read in a book.  I am fascinated by what motivates people.  I am blown away at the ignorance that some people hold so tightly to…I am curious as to why people lie to themselves to save face in a culture of norms they don’t necessarily agree with….I have dedicated most of my life to listening and observing.  It can be a lonely path at times but writing has always given me some sort of comfort.  I may not have a person to tell this shit to – but I have a medium in which I can spew it.  I feel as though I can be far more honest through this than I can with most face to face interactions.  When you are interacting with another person, your defense mechanisms meet their defense mechanisms and I never feel as though you can have a genuine moment.  Of course this is not true for everyone, but for the most part – people play the appropriate role for the moment.

The whole drinking thing is a perplexing problem in my world.  The entire reason I started drinking was to fucking BE NORMAL for once.  To fit in somewhere…to get invited places.  And ya know what…it worked, and it felt really good.  I suddenly had 100 “friends” – got called to go out all the time, I receive warm embraces from people when I see them…I never really had that prior to going out all the time.  And, I am aware that it is a superficial acceptance based on similar social activities – but it really felt good.  If I quit drinking I know I am going to end up back to where I was before.  Sitting home by myself, listening to music, never talking to many people…and I don’t know if I am willing to do that either.  I need to find a balance – but holy balls do I suck at that.  I am not good at finding that happy damn medium.  This is something I am currently working on.  Failing at…but working on.

Please don’t get me wrong- I am pretty damn happy and I am insanely thankful and grateful for everything I have in my life – and I guess it is sometimes my fault that I feel alone because I have an extremely difficult time reaching out to people or accepting help from people.  I have displayed an extremely independent person for most of my life – I have always figured my shit out.  I have always had confidence in my abilities to think  rationally about the problem and figure out the best and most efficient solution.  Blah.

Eh whatever.  So I know I need to lose 25 pounds.  The only way I can feasibly see this happening is to stop drinking.  This is the only reason I gained it….so in turn – logically, this is the only way to lose it.  But I then have to prepare myself for the inevitable change in distractions.  People provide me with remarkable distractions and great amounts of joy – so, being sober isn’t exactly FUN nor is it that fun to be around when you are shmammmmered….I will have to adjust multiple thought processes.

This is my goal – I can promise you, I will fuck up.  BUT…I have made a conscious decision to attempt this lifestyle change for the betterment of my self-esteem and my health.  I will be writing a lot through this fucking irritating process, but I know it will get easier for me as time moves forward.  Yay. I sound like such a raging alcohol….and to be honest- I am more addicted to the relationships that stem from the act of drinking as opposed to the actual drinking itself.  Stupid social fucking triggers.  Haha.

Well, have a great Thanksgiving y’all.  I don’t really give a shit about the holidays.  My family cancelled Christmas this year and I was ecstatic! I do not like social obligations….and the holidays are the worst culprits!  I will buy you something if I see something you would like and I have money – I WILL NOT BUY YOU SOMETHING BECAUSE I HAVE TO!  Nor do I expect anyone to do that for me either.  Just dumb, blind consumerism. BOO.

So, take this time and spend quality time with those that you love and stuff your face with food that someone slaved hours over to prepare for you.  Gluttony is my favorite. (pffft).

Michelle (I am the quintessential Grinch) Lynn

Nov 19, 2012 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

When the girls go away, crotch crickets and pants peeing will be in play. Wait, what?

I had a little girls road trip this past Saturday.  We went to the glorious city of Fargo…yup, no goddamn joke.   We did have an agenda other than driving for 4 hours and surveying the landscape, which is AMAZING by the way – if you enjoy nothing.

What happened in a 24 hour period?

1. Found out that a town in Minnesota “does cows” (not surprising)

2. Found out that a Malibu Ice Tea (is that it?) has 1000 calories per.  And NOW WE KNOW WHY I AM FAT.  Oh no no, I don’t need to eat, I have my daily caloric intake taken care of 15 minutes with two of these drinks!

3. People will stop what they are doing and listen to you if you yell “BALLS!” in their general direction.  Then they will give you a dollar.  Who says you have to take your top off to make a buck!? Dummies.

4. When someone snorts when they laugh – everyone laughs.

5. Motel 6, even though they do in fact leave the light on for you – they do not make any promises about bedbugs and according to Angie, crotch crickets (which, are smaller than I anticipated).

6. Peeing your pants IS COOL. No need to elaborate on that.

7. Truck stops sell pink pajama shirts – this concerns for me for a few reasons…

8.  Boobs are fine to look at guys – if we display them like a 12 point buck – we want you to comment on them.

9.  Movember is a difficult month for us women – we don’t know if you ARE creepy or just creepy for the month of November. Either way, you are not getting laid.

10. I am officially falling apart.  I can no longer wear heels and like myself the next morning.  I promise myself, SENSIBLE SHOES! – but alas, heels it is.  EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND.  My knee, both ankles, my lower back – ALL HURT.

11. Proposing at a bar = LAAAAAAAAAME

12. No city shall escape the douchebag epidemic that has swept the nation.  I HATE MEN THAT WEAR AFFLICTION SHIRTS!  I ALSO HATE MEN THAT LOOK LIKE MOST MEN – seriously.  Have fun making stupid babies. Ugh.  I weep for our future.

13. First rule of motel 6 is: Do not talk about Motel 6.  The second rule of Motel 6 is: immediately remove the top comforter and DO NOT TOUCH IT for the rest of the evening.  Third rule of Motel 6 is: do not talk about Motel 6.

All in all the weekend was full of a lot of laughter and some fantastic moments.  I am happy to be able to go away with a great group of girls and to help a great group of guys (and usually a fantastic girl) in Good for Gary – raise money for a great cause.  Don’t forget to use your Starbucks money for a week and actually put it to use for a great cause as opposed to corporate greed.  yeah, I said it.

Have a great week.  Apparently it is Thanksgiving?  Lots to be thankful for, unless you are Native American.  (which, I am……so fuck you and your stuffed turkey…no, I am not enough to notice..like 1/100th or some shit, but still)

What am I thankful for?

puppies, the national debt, sweatpants, mt. dew, long morning pees, forks, people that know how to spell, high fives, shirts that make me look less fat, hammers, electricity (it is pretty neat), toilet paper.

Love you family and friends.

Michelle (gobble gobble gobble, and I’m not talking turkeys…slut) Lynn

Nov 12, 2012 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

My life has hit a new low!

I found myself in sweatpants on a Monday at 330PM REALLY disappointed that I couldn’t finish watching the Fuse’s top 100 sexiest videos of all time.  It is not on today! WTF?  What do they think I have better to do today??  I have research to do dammit!

I find it extremely comical that I actually don’t care that it was the most exciting thing I had to look forward to.  As a result of that being the truth, I have very little stress in my life.  Boy am I going to be pissed when I have to get a real job.  C’mon Eminem! I have been listening to that one song that is supposed to make me feel inspired OVER AND OVER again and I am pretty sure it is lacking the motivation required for me to make an actual change.  DAMMIT! If hip-hop can’t save me NOTHING CAN!  Perhaps instead of listening to music I should listen to books on tape – perhaps writing this book would be an inspiring task then instead of what I am feeling is a waste of my damn time.

Do I need to have a tragic life in order to make any money being a disgruntled artist?! Can’t I just be a pissed off woman?  Why can’t I just be a white girl from the suburbs with really supportive parents and a Master’s degree – and still write a successful book? Hahahaa.  It is fucking compelling! I don’t care what you say… I mean really, how many books do we need to read about an alcoholic/drug induced life that ends with an epiphany about how drugs make you forget about the fact that your neighbor molested you when you were 4? I say it is time for a change.  I know how your story ends – but how does this one end? You don’t know!  It could end in a tragic skiing accident or it could end with me being a mediocre therapist in the state of MN.  I don’t know about you, but I fucking want to know!

Stay tuned, this shit just got real.

Michelle (Oh, I’ll be back today, I can feel it) Lynn

P.S.  I really want to recreate that scene from Bridesmaids where she lifts her leg and says “do you feel that heat, yeah, that is from my undercarriage” And I want to do this to a total stranger.  I would find a great deal of satisfaction in doing this.  I am a weird, weird chick.

Nov 11, 2012 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

Things I am learning

Okay, I am watching Fuse’s top 100 sexiest videos of all time – and here are the things I am learning:

1. Most girls are NOT wearing a bra during these shoots

2.  Suckers, are VERY sexy.

3.  If I wear a sparkly outfit, I am attractive.

4.  Robes are to be worn open with a bra.  And wigs and glasses to disguise who I actually am – make me infinitely sexier.

5.  Saunas make you sweaty – which in turn, makes you sexy.  Shit, I must be SEXY AS SHIT when I climb the stairs vacuuming!  I sweat like a whore in church!

6. Being a bitch that talks about an umbrella OVER AND OVER again – is sexy.

7.  Looking like a drag queen that talks about a bad romance, fucking hot.

8.  Military gear is IN!

9.  Being muddy is so sexy.  I wish I would have known this because I would have continued playing with Army worms and not showering.

10.  You can be an ugly male and STILL get laid because you can sing.

11.  Girls, don’t worry – you can’t sing but have big tits?  Not a problem! That is why men invented auto-tune!!  Instead of spreading your legs in the centerfold of Playboy, you can now have a top 100 selling song! YAY!

12.  You can be a 39 year old chick that looks like a skinny Kirsty Ally and still have enormous success as long as you are backed by ACTUAL TALENT.

13.  Sand = sex

14.  Driving erratically means you like to have sex…in dirty dirty ways.

15.  You can look like 1. a dude 2. enjoy sports, as long as you have a “girl next door” type in the same group of girls.

Okay, that is all for tonight – I WILL continue this list when I don’t have anything better to do – but for now, I had a friend call me and I AM FUCKING GOING OUT! See ya.

Michelle (I am going to incorporate all of these things soon) Lynn

Nov 11, 2012 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

And another thing!

Hi…I am back, for the second time tonight (LUCKY YOU!).

I have come to the realization that I am a HELL OF A LOT nicer to some people that I should be!  Have you ever had a friendship that you put so much effort into because you truly believe in the other person – but it is NEVER reciprocated in the same way!?  How goddamn frustrating is that!?  I seriously feel as though I extend so many kind gestures and receive only a handful of semi-fucking-sincere responses in return.  I feel like they respond when they are sucking the most amount of life out of me.  Why can’t I just get rid of these folks???  Why do I care?  Why do I continuously believe in these people??

ARGH!  Okay, sorry….but seriously – it is sad to watch certain people with amazing potential just…not give a shit.  OR MAYBE I just suck?? I don’t know?  Maybe they are just trying to get what they can out of me and never had intentions of giving a fuck?  Hmm….interesting..this may be an indication of my lack of self esteem.  I should maybe go back to being a  bitch?

Anyhoooooo… I really have no outlet for this type of shit – but I also feel comfortable telling the world my crap (if you choose to read it) – so I apologize for ranting about stupid shit on this blog.  This is my online damn journal.

I am sitting here alone on a Saturday night – most people my age have kids to give them excuse to be lame – but I just have the fact that I have nothing to do.  Dammit that sucks.  I feel like I have become the person that is entertaining in small doses. UHHHH OHHH..

You know what kicks enormous amounts of ass?? Having a partner that genuinely likes me.  In the past, people have “liked” the concept of me – not the actual me.  TRUST ME, I can present whatever it is you need at that very moment – but there are few that actually KNOW who I am underneath the bullshit.  And I found someone that not only knows that person, but really accepts it and loves it.  That is the best feeling I have had in a long time.  I wish more people were like this man – he is genuine, funny, caring, thoughtful, and fucking sexy.  JACKPOT! ;) I could not be happier.  THANK YOU! And you know who you are!

On that note: I am going to watch movies that I find moderately funny – and wallow in my own personal sorrow because I am sitting on my couch in yoga pants.  Blah.  Have a good night party people!

Michelle (neeenerneeenerneeeeeeener!) Lynn

Nov 10, 2012 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

It has been awhile.

Yeah, I haven’t been writing as much lately.  I am going to go ahead and blame my lack of inspiration by being ass deep in the DSM-IV.  Contrary to popular belief, studying to be a therapist, isn’t as funny as it should be.  I mean – it is but it isn’t supposed to be.  So, what has happened since my last post.

OH YEAH…we all freaked out over elections and it turned out in the end that NOTHING CHANGED..  Way to spend billions of dollars on a campaign that didn’t do a damn thing!  I am proud of our state of Minnesota for voting NO for the marriage amendment.  I wrote a blog with my good friend regarding this issue (see 60 minutes…tick tock tick tock tick tock) and I was so happy to see that on Wednesday morning, the majority of our state were not retarded.  I mean – it was entirely too close for me to be comfortable making new friends.  I figure – I have a pretty good chance of meeting an idiot so I should probably just stick with the friends that I have.

What else has happened?  Movember is in full swing.  Tis the month that men try to make themselves as unappealing as possible to raise money for mens health!  Great cause, please go out and donate:

http://us.movember.com/mospace/2866993

If Dan raises 2500+, he is going to get his chest waxed into the shape of a mustache ON STAGE on the 30th of November at The Doghouse.  WORTH IT! Please donate, I really would like to see him shed a tear or two.

DO IT NOW.  If you want to make it more personal: feel free to come out to any Good for Gary show to donate.  With this option, you can be entertained  by watching them perform and get drunk!  To find a show near you, follow this link:

http://www.goodforgary.com/calendar/

 UMM….Life has been relatively boring.  I found out yesterday that I would make an excellent insult server.  We went to Dick’s last resort and our chick sucked!  I did a better job making her uncomfortable than she did us.  I don’t think it is supposed to work that way?  I was disappointed.  I did get a chair thrown in front of me (which I kicked out of my way) and a server tried to trip me when I was walking out…so that was fun.

And on that note:  I said good day!

Michelle (I learned that everyone has a personality disorder) Lynn

Oct 29, 2012 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

What can I say that hasn’t been said about Halloween?

I went out for the annual slut fest that is Halloween this past Saturday.  I am glad that I did not get caught up in the “slut in a bag” Halloween costume trend this year.  I think I have surpassed the age in which that is a cute idea.  There comes a point in one’s life where it is decided that ya just need to put the ass away and go for creativity instead.  I have an amazing man at home and I don’t feel the need to attempt to get free drinks at the bar any longer.  THANK GOD.  I know it can be fun to dress up and flaunt what you have – and really, I have very little judgement for those that decide to participate in such activities, I just no longer find it to be necessary.  Does this make me a bitch? (No,I think this makes me too fat to dress in short skirts)…haha.

Not only does this holiday bring out the slut in us all – (well, the exterior slut, the interior slut is always present) but it also brings out the justification for binge drinking like nothing seen since…well for some people, last weekend, but for most – New Years Eve.  I got to be warm this year – and sober!  What an experience.  When you are sober, you are so much more aware of the drama that ensues as a result of the above named habits.  Girls are fucking ASSHOLES!  (shocking news, I know) – the amount of shit talking I witnessed, is appalling.  I don’t know what type of satisfaction comes from being so damn mean to one another. I try with all my strength to stay completely neutral. I don’t want to fight with anyone, I don’t want to give anyone a reason to talk about me (though, most of the time, they do not need a valid reason, they just need another girl with an opinion) – and I certainly don’t mean mug someone because they look better than I do.  I enjoy the fact that I can still have fun among a sea of drunk people – this is a point of personal pride for me.   I have not always been so calm, cool and collected.

Ugh, I can’t stop yawning right now – does this mean I am boring myself?  If so, I apologize for how boring this must be for you.

Can I ask a question – how is it POSSIBLE to take 3 hours to get ready??  I could nap for 2.5 of those hours and still get ready.  I have actually witnessed this crazy ritual.  I am baffled by it still!  WHAT TAKES 3 HOURS?!  Someone please help me understand.  I have taken a shower, dried my hair, straightened my hair, done my makeup and got my outfit on in less than 30 minutes before.  I am actually proud of that and I continue to try and beat it!

Did you know that I can’t walk into an Old Navy store.  Their commercials have actually created a visceral reaction to their store.  True story.

I once went into an Abercrombie and Fitch store – I circled the first table I saw, realized it smelled like people I hated and walked right the fuck back out.

I wish I was English – that seems fun.  I would talk way more than I do now (so perhaps it is a good thing I am not English)

Blah. I think I am done for now.  MICHELLE! OUT!

Michelle (cheers!) Lynn

Oct 22, 2012 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

The Art of Being an Adult

Ready….it is pretty simple.

Play nice unless someone punches you in the kidney- then you can be a raging bitch.  I can tolerate a large amount of bullshit – I can handle drunk people pretty well, understanding that they are essentially a childish shell of who they are in any other situation.  I can handle some shit talking because it seems to be the only thing that can create a bond with certain people, hating the same person.   I can easily lose a friend and never lose a wink of sleep.  People can say hurtful shit to me and usually can bounce back quickly. BUT THESE ARE THE SITUATIONS WHEN NICE NINJA LEAVES AND THE EXTREME BITCH I CAN BE COMES OUT:

1. You are maliciously trying to prevent me from attaining a goal.

2.  You attempt to get in between ME and my happiness.

3. You talk about opinions as though they are facts and refuse to listen to any other perspective or ACTUAL FACTS.

4. I have attempted to rationally calm you down but you refuse to stop being a douchebag.

5.  You make any one of my family members cry.  Gloves come off.  There is nothing that will piss me off faster or more intensely.

6. Coming in second to that, making one of my close friends cry – I will verbally assault you.  Unless it is irrational crying, then you are on your own ;)

Really, that is about it – everything else I can brush off like lint on my sweatshirt.  I am exactly like my father – takes a lot to make me mad, but when I do – oh buddy – it is not a pleasant experience for anyone involved.

NOW….don’t do any of those things.

Hmm…I am finally taking my license exam.  Holy shit, I am terrified.  I am a recovering perfectionist so I am extremely nervous.  I never feel as though I am done studying.  I have collected an impressive 5 study guides!  So proud.  Becoming a therapist is a relatively  scary thing.   I am in charge of helping people recover.  Well, not in charge  - more of a guide – but as far as lawyers and insurance is concerned, I am in charge.   That is a ton of responsibility.

On an unrelated note: I am thinking about getting a cat.

Anyway, enjoy your Monday.  I think it is supposed to rain.  That would be pretty neat.

Michelle (another one bites the dust) Lynn

Oct 15, 2012 - Uncategorized    Comments Off

can’t sleep clowns will eat me.

Two new blogs tonight -

Okay this is me…PERIOD..if you don’t fucking like me…great! GRAND! WONDERFUL!!!  I don’t give a shit!  I am not on this earth to give a fuck about your opinion.

1. I am an atheist.  Well, sure I believe in powers greater than me..like tornadoes… hurricanes, etc..but I have no religious affiliation.  I respect the hell out of you if YOU do..but I don’t – and I feel as though you should respect me as I respect you.  I am not asking you to join the dark side of nonbelief… I am just asking you to please not think I am a “bad person” as a result of siding with science.

2.  Sometimes, I am a pompous asshole…look, everyone is…deal with it.

3. I love certain people in my life – and I will talk about it, a lot.

4. I have absolutely NO PROBLEM with gay people getting married! HELL YEAH! Get married! Love each other! Have babies and families!  I sure as shit don’t care!  I actually can’t believe there are people out there that are fucking dumb enough to really raise a stink about this issue.  If you are against marriage equality – you are dumb..PERIOD…stop being stupid and pull your head out of your ass..please. (see, I am polite)

5. I am smart.  I am sorry that you are not…it is not my problem.  Genetics did me a solid…sorry you got the shallow end of that pool.

6.  I am a crazy mess of a person…we all are – I admit it.  You should look at yourself in the damn mirror and realize – your shit indeed does stink…yeah, no one shits flowers..sorry.

7. I am insecure as HELL Yeah…cause I am a woman in a society that loves perfection and excess.  Guess what..I have two chins…I have a glorious gut that I have homegrown here in the lovely state of Minnesota.  My teeth, kind of a fucking mess…my hair, hasn’t been cut in MONTHS…my ass looks like an off road MarioKart race track…

(Holy shit, the person on Kare11 right now…looks like Thelma’s lesbian lifepartner, that is amazing).

Anyway….

8. I have made some horrendous decisions in my life – but they are my own and I would not take them back- even the weird indiscretions in the hottub.  OH BOY.

9.  I am SO DAMN POOR…but I have enough money to get a couple drinks here and there – and that is all I really need.

10. I will talk about my family all I goddamn want – why? Because they are fucking awesome.  That is why.  Now shut your damn mouth.

11. Sometimes I will get drunk and dance like I think I know what I am doing.  Just laugh – it is fine – I can totally do the sprinkler and the shopping cart and the roger rabbit.  In fact, I am AWESOME at them. Yeah…awesome.

12.  Yeah, I have been talking about taking my license exam for like…a year and a half….So I haven’t felt like doing it yet – big fucking deal!

13.  I am a democrat based on the fact that it is the lesser of two evils.

14.  If I don’t like you – it is probably written all over my face.  I kind of look like someone farted when I don’t like you…. that plus confusion.  Yes, the look of smelling someones fart and being confused at the same time…that face…that is the face I make when I don’t like you.

15.  I repeat myself…a lot.  I interrupt…a lot…sorry.

16.  I got married once…it was fine…no complaints really…but we are better friends…I have a new relationship now – sorry if that bothers you – but if you care about me…you will care about me being happy…period.

17.  I know the lyrics to (I swear to god) almost every damn song.  It is weird.  I can’t remember your name..but I can rap Bust a move without thinking.

18.  My family is my everything – if you upset them…I will ninja kick you in the throat.  I am a mamma bear when it comes to my family.  I will eat your goddamn face if you make them sad.

19.  Seeing people succeed makes me SO FUCKING HAPPY.

20.  Dealing with 3 suicides in 3 years before the age of 20…completely changed me as a person.  Sitting in a church with literally 100′s of people mourning – blew my mind….everyone sitting there and they didn’t think they had ONE single person to turn to….one of the most devastating things I have ever witnessed…this is why I went into the field I did.

eh whatever..I am bored…you probably are too.

See ya.

Michelle.

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